MIA

I have been missing in action a lot lately, just been really busy and not finding much time to get on the computer.  My daughter's activities keep us busy.  When I do have time, I relax and chew and spit, nice way to spend my time.  I know my eating disorder is really prevalent but I continue to deny it.  My best friend and only friend, Dan, gave my a brochure and printed out some information on eating disorders and slipped it into my bag at the gym.  It made me feel cared for and I really appreciated his concern but I still have a hard time accepting that I am too skinny.  I know the numbers say I am, but why is it that I really do love the way that I look.  I don't want to lose more weight but I don't want to gain it back either.  If my hair would stop thinning and if I had a little more fat to my face and butt, I would be perfect.  But if I eat more, I bet the fat would just go to my belly and that would really upset me.  My sister and her family came from CA this weekend for the week to visit.  My mom kept pestering me to show them my "6pack abs" and I felt embarrased.  Finally, when my brother in law and father weren't in the room I caved and showed her.  I then showed her my "ripped" bi's and tri's and my sister started to cry and say how worried she was about me.  I asked "why" and she just said because she isn't living here anymore and misses how close we used to be.  I think I actually tried to prod her into confronting me about an ED but she didn't go there.  No one does.  Part of me wishes they would so it would be out in the open and maybe I would face it then too.  I don't know.  What is it going to take for me to wake up and start trying to recover? I did skip my entire work out today... no cardio, and no weights.  I know my body needed it and I feel good (at least right now).  I am just worried that I won't eat in order to compensate.  I wrote out my foods for the day and came in about 500 cal below ususal but at least I didn't burn 1400 today.  We'll see how the day goes. 

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

What happened to seeing a therapist?
I am glad that you skipped the workout and ate some at least...I wish your family would confront you and I know you wish they would too, even if it would be uncomfortable, I am so glad your \'friend did what he did, it shows he notices and cares, and it shows it\'s real hon...you took a big step going to the doc..keep taking those steps, please.
deleted_user
deleted_user

SOunds like you have a great friend in Dan! Hopefully you read what he gave you. I know how it is w/ wanting family to bring it up and out in the open. Some don\'t know how to do that. They are afraid. I hope that you give this some more thought. You aren\'t doing well. I won\'t repeat evtg I continuously say to you. And it is more than ok to take a break from a work out!!!