I sit here to write in my journal as my last resort to the inevitable of my cutting tonight. I don't want to cut. I really don't, but the pain inside of me is so strong. My heart aches over all that I have lost. I am also just beginning to scratch the surface of the pain of being sexually abused, and it is overwhelming. I can only stay in the pain for a short amount of time before I have to cut to get away from the pain, even if only temporarily. The pain is so strong, so complete, so engulfing.
Added on top of this pain, my classes have been so incredibly triggering for me. Today in Child Welfare we discussed sexual abuse and what motivates men to sexually abuse children. It was too much. I wanted to run, but I felt glued to my chair. I felt the same frozen feeling that I experienced when I was being abused. Then in my Interviewing class, I walked with someone who was raped at 9 years old. The same happened to me, only at 12. It was too much.
I so much want to be better, to be healed, but I am not. I am still broken into a million pieces. And I am afraid that I will be like Humpty Dumpty, shattered and never able to be put back together again, no matter how many people try to help her. Maybe I am the Humpty Dumpty girl.
I wish that there was a solution for me. My counselor and other keep speaking of becoming integrated. I don't fully understand what that means. Logically, I know that I am one person, but I feel like two people inside of one body. Not in a multiple personality type of way, but in a way that makes me feel like I have to fake everything that I do. I don't know how this pain that I keep uncovering will make me feel better. Because right now, I just feel worse. Much worse. If only there was a way to kill the part of me that feels such intense pain. But I'm learning that to kill one part of me requires all of me to die. And I don't want that right now.
At least for now, I want to live. So I cut to keep breathing. To get through this pain. I wish that I had a mom to hold me right now... ~Tracie
Added on top of this pain, my classes have been so incredibly triggering for me. Today in Child Welfare we discussed sexual abuse and what motivates men to sexually abuse children. It was too much. I wanted to run, but I felt glued to my chair. I felt the same frozen feeling that I experienced when I was being abused. Then in my Interviewing class, I walked with someone who was raped at 9 years old. The same happened to me, only at 12. It was too much.
I so much want to be better, to be healed, but I am not. I am still broken into a million pieces. And I am afraid that I will be like Humpty Dumpty, shattered and never able to be put back together again, no matter how many people try to help her. Maybe I am the Humpty Dumpty girl.
I wish that there was a solution for me. My counselor and other keep speaking of becoming integrated. I don't fully understand what that means. Logically, I know that I am one person, but I feel like two people inside of one body. Not in a multiple personality type of way, but in a way that makes me feel like I have to fake everything that I do. I don't know how this pain that I keep uncovering will make me feel better. Because right now, I just feel worse. Much worse. If only there was a way to kill the part of me that feels such intense pain. But I'm learning that to kill one part of me requires all of me to die. And I don't want that right now.
At least for now, I want to live. So I cut to keep breathing. To get through this pain. I wish that I had a mom to hold me right now... ~Tracie
Replies
:(
I\'d hug you if i could. *HUG*.
although i\'m a separate person, i\'m going through a lot of similar battles. i feel like there\'s no hope for me either. and that i will never be healed. keep venting, writing, expressing these thoughts, emotions, and actions. it helps. if you need to, vent me a huge message on here. i don\'t mind. keep strong Tracie! :)