I am alive. Still breathing. Gosh, life can be so hard sometimes. School started yesterday. I was feeling very confident when I signed up for my classes, and now that I have seen the syllabuses, I want to cry. My hardest class academically will probably be the Psychology of Women or Drugs and Society. Emotionally though, my hardest class will be Child Welfare. I don't know how I am going to get through that one. There are so many feelings to process. I am TOTALLY GRIEVING. Oh my goodness. I can't believe I had never acknowledged my grief before. But yes, I am grief-ridden. I am tired of being the one without a mom, without a family. My family is so toxic for me. After spending all of Christmas break away from them, I came back, hoping to give them another chance to love me. Nope. Not gonna happen though. And by the end of the day, I wanted to cut again. If that wasn't a wake-up call, I don't know what one is. My family is like radiation to my spirit. They are slowly killing me. Each dose of them makes me sicker than the last. But how I wish that they were there for me. How I wish that I could feel loved by them. Loved by anyone in the way that a mother loves a daughter. But I don't have that. And maybe I never will. I still have to keep waking up in the morning though. I still have to keep surviving. But it's hard. ~Tracie