Life has been really hard lately. It's like out of nowhere, I have felt like absolute shit. Back in October, I cut my unofficially adopted aunt and uncle out of my life because I was being molested and groomed to be raped by my "uncle", who also happened to be a previous therapist of mine that I moved in with. Crazy story, right? But when you age out of foster care and have nowhere else to go, you'll move in anywhere if it means that you aren't homeless. But now, I feel so used and worthless. I've been sexually abused by four men now. Three father figures and a boyfriend. I feel like all I will ever experience is abuse, and I feel like such a hypocrite for being a psychology major with the dream of helping others when I can't even fix my own family. I can't make my bio mom love me. I can't make my sister make wise choices. I can't even make my bio dad want to show up in my life, which I guess is for the best since he was abusive and all, but still. With the holidays coming, I feel so empty. My family is torn into a million pieces. Sometimes I feel like killing myself. But I know that it would hurt my grandmother. So then I feel like cutting REALLY deep. But I don't want to have to go in and get stitches again. So then I want to drink until I pass out. I don't want to live this life anymore. This life of pain and abuse and abandonment. But I don't know how to start over. I don't know how to begin again. the memories are still there, haunting. I don't want to live anymore. But I am afraid to die and all that will be left behind.