GRRR!
I finally called my Mammaw (maternal grandmother) today. I've noticed that I hesitate to call her when things are really hard (or when I end up getting stitches, etc.). I finally fessed up to being a SI'er. Turns out, she already knew because my egg donor (and her daughter) had told her. So yeah. Everything was fine until she went off on this tangent about how I'll have so many scars on my arms and legs no one will marry me... blah blah blah. I was pissed. Mostly cause she was probably right. Except for the whole arm part. I don't cut on my arms; it's too obvious. I was also mad because #1 she has never seen my scars and therefore couldn't judge how bad they were, #2 she was telling me to quit SI'ing forever so that I can get married, not for myself. I felt like she only cared about what my future husband (if he's out there) thinks instead of the pain I feel on a daily basis, #3 I feel like it's partly her fault. Before jumping to conclusions, let me explain...The flashback I had on Sunday was one that could have been prevented. When I was experiencing all of that abuse at 12, she knew about it and was too scared to call CPS. If she would have told, I wouldn't have been abused in that instance, I wouldn't have had that flashback, and I wouldn't have cut. So I'm mad. But mostly I want to cry. Cause I just wish someone could possibly understand, hold me, and tell me that things are gonna be okay. That the stitches come out in 8 days. That the scars will heal. That the flashbacks will go away soon. But no one can tell me that, because they don't know and can't possibly totally understand. So I feel like crying. But I hold it in. Cause I need to head to my Botany 110 class. Oh God, this is so hard. The pain is so unbearable. Please help me through this valley. I need you right now. Amen.
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