I guess I have to take notes at the therapist because I can't remember the specific tools and things he wants me to do. pissed off the wife last night.  Drinking is failing me because if I do it too much I just feel like crap and it doesn't seem to enhance my mood much. tried cutting for the first time last night. just carved a line in my forhead with my fingernail. painfull and red today. I kind of like it. I'm sure it will piss off my wife if she knows what I did- which I didn't really think about at the time. it was more of a fidget.  after a friends friend committed suicide a couple of weeks ago and my friend went off on me about it I realize finally it really is selfish. I really would do it for me, not like I keep telling myself that it's so my family will be happier without me because I cause so much pain and suffering.
 
I cant fathom work, I find excesses all the time. at least I'm focused right now.  maybe ink/cutting really would be a good outlet *shrug*