life sucks

I just hate this Carcinoid.  I can't eat anything that I like without getting diarrhea.  It really sucks!  Thank goodness I have the Octreotide shots to take and the Levsin.  I don't know what I'd do without them.  Last night I was hungry (which is very unusual for me) so I got up and ate chocolate cookies and homemade bread with lots of butter.  Oh yes, I was up all night long.  It just isn't fair.  I am such a picky eater and I don't care how many years it would add to my life, I still don't want to follow the carcinoid diet.  I'd rather NOT eat than eat something I don't like.  Maybe that's why I am so skinny.  I have really been feeling down lately.  I guess ever since Christmas I have not been my self.  I am staying busy with my granddaughter (she is one) and enjoy watching her.  I just wish it were 10 years ago.  It's been a horrible 10 years, ever since the divorce.  Sometimes I really don't care if I die tomorrow.  Life isn't the same and never will be.  I am tired of crying and tired of waking up alone.  My kids don't even understand.  This is probably why I don't want to have any tests and don't care about any treatments.  I only want to have my pain medicine and stuff that will keep the diarrhea away.  Maybe I was a Hospice nurse for too long but quality of life is more important and I have no quality.  I certainly don't want quantity!   Not if I have to drink something that taste terrible and lay still for 2 or 3 hours and have to go to appointments, etc.  Forget it.  Let time take its toll and be what is to be.  I've lived long enough already and had more than most people ever did.