just a hum drum sunday....ive swept/moped the kitchen floor, frosted about 10 cookies that my mom made yesterday....and then i wrapped the presents that i have accumulated from all of my shopping efforts....while i was in the process of wrapping my dad walked through and he saw the pinata and he was like "what the hell is that? who wasted their money on something so stupid?" and i said "y do u have to be so negative all of the time?" and he was like "im not, im just saying that it's a waste of money and that someone would have to have more money than brains to buy it".......gee y is my father not my favorite person again? someone remind me....hahathis morning after id awoken, i found myself thinking that the next time i get bloated, i should take a few laxatives...im so afraid that if i start down this road, there is no turning back....i am fighting my head and trying to say no...right now im trying to deter myself not by thinking about my health, but rather by thinking about how expensive the shitten (no pun intended) things areim so confused about where i wanna be in my life/with my illness....i wanna be happy like my sister...i thought she was happy...i know she wants to lose weight, but she eats junk all of the time...shes not fat fat, but shes getting pretty chubby....my cousin who has down syndrome was over today and jen and i were fake wrestling with him (cuz he loves it), and i was like "come on josh, u can take her down! shes just a string bean!" and my sister rolled her eyes and was like "yea right, if im such a string bean then how come none of my jeans fit anymore? the only ones that fit are the ones i am wearing"....when people acknowledge that they are gaining weight, i dont know what to say....almost like i dont want them to know that they are gaining...cuz then they wont try to lose any...god im so fucked up...i wanna be like my sister...she seems so happy...but i know that that is all a facade...shes not happy...yes, she can make a comment about how's shes gaining weight and then eat a peanut butter blossom cookie on her way out the door to work (after going out for breakfast earlier at dennys) with no abandon....yet i who am so so so skinny and needs to gain weight, will not allow any extra food than what is normal for me pass my lips...i think that being home all day means that i am lazy, and that i dont deserve foodwe didnt get the bad bad weather that they predicted...just some snow...guess we will see what tonight brings...im goin to tracy's tonight to play games with her and steph...it'll be nice to be around people who love me, and dont resent me for my illness....they see me, not my anorexia
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you have really awesome friends..have FUN!!!
I\'m struggling too with the idea of a lax overdose right now. I know that if I\'m sick enough, I won\'t want to eat, and my bloat will be abolished (if only temporarily.) But that\'s ol\' ED talking. Let\'s promise each other we\'re not going to squat to that shitty level! I won\'t if you won\'t....
Also, I know your relationship with your parents is very strained, but when I was your age, ED did the same thing to me and my own parents. Please believe that the relationship CAN be salvaged. Sometimes, as in my case, it doesn\'t happen until I had \"grown up\" and went out on my own. Now ED doesn\'t fuck us up as much because they no longer have us living under their roof!
Don\'t take the laxatives. The tought runs through my mind when I\'m bloated, but once you start, it is hard to stop. I took them for awhile because I was told to by my doctor. She misdiagnosed me. By the time I was properly diagnosed, I was already addicted. It was my pregnancy that got me to stop otherwise I might still be taking them. They make you sick and put you in alot of pain. You pretty much have to stay home because you never know when they are going to start working. The next time you have this thought, read one of Erica\'s journlas. She pretty much sums it up on how aweful and addictive they are.
When I was going through anorexia in my teen years, my relationship with my parents wasn\'t the best. My Ed made me think I was the ruler of the house. I told my parents what to do and I never called them mom and dad. I called them by there first names, and not the names they go by, which is Chuck and Sue, but I called them Charles and Susan which they absolutely hatece I started to recover my relationship with them got better. Even now our relationship is fine, but I think it\'s because I don\'t live with them. If I did Ed would probably get me to control them. Maybe if you move out you will have a better relationship with your dad. My younger sister and my dad weren\'t really getting along that well while she was living with them, but now that she no longer lives with my parents she seems to be getting along alot better with my dad.
I understand where you are coming with your dad...Mine is so much better, but he used to get so angery and mad that it was just hard to be in the same room... hopefully things turn around for you both! I have also been thinking laxatives but I know how bad they are and its the ED that is talking so don\'t give into it!! Just reading what skinnygirl said really say\'s it all!
Keep trying Please!!
no laxatives mel, its soooooooooooooooooooooooooo not worth it. Please honey listen to me, lauren and like she said read ericas journals... no no no lady. love you , xx
girl!
no laxatives.trust meeee,they are no funn.and no good.the calories are all ready used up by the time the laxs kick in.and the make yuu feel sickerrrrr.
remember what yuu said to me about laxatives.it sounds like a bad idea.and it is!dont do it.once yuu start...truste me its not worth it.
i know what yuu mean about when people start talking about weight loss...its so uncomfy.i think the same thing about trying to get them to think that they are not fat so they wont start to loss the weight....only i can be skinny,goddamnit! :[
Hang in there love - you\'re not fucked up, what you\'re feeling and thinking is absolutely normal and I know there are tons of us out there who completely identify with you. I\'m really uncomfortable when other people talk about weight, especially their own and their wishes to lose weight/diet. I know I don\'t like when people comment about my body/my weight, so I don\'t like to say anything about other\'s...but at the same time, I over-think my silence as rudeness...maybe they want me to same something? I mean, if someone were to say \"I\'m fat\" and I were to remain silent...and I in fact agreeing with their statement? Although, if I were to respond with \"no you\'re not, you\'re perfect just the way you are,\" they may feel that I\'m full of sh*t or even worse, they may comment on my weight. In terms of wishing you were your sister....love yourself for who YOU ARE and celebrate your uniqueness. I realize by saying that you wish you were here, you are referring to her seemingly happy appearance and carefree eating habits...but that\'s where she is, and you are someone completely different. Who knows, maybe she has some horrible internal turmoil as well, and would you really want to have that? Everyone is different: I often wonder, when watching people eat, how they can just put some of the food they\'re eating (i.e. cheeseburgers, french fries, candy, etc.) in their mouth\'s and be ok with it. I\'m absolutely boggled by this manifestation, and wonder if I will ever be able to put anything in my mouth without feeling horribly guilty. Like I said, you are not alone and you are NOT fucked up.
In terms of the laxatives, I can\'t preach because then I\'d be hypocritical. I struggle with them too at times, especially when I\'m bloated or when I get so constipated that I feel like I might die. Maybe I can suggest an alternative, though. My doctors put me on Miralax; it\'s a bulk-forming laxative that is a miracle worker. The thing is, it\'s completely safe and it won\'t cause the discomfort that stimulant laxatives cause. Take what the recommended dose is, trust me it\'ll work! You can buy it an any pharmacy, and it\'s extremely safe, even for long-term use (I\'m most likely on it for the rest of my life, being that I messed up my peristalsis from my long-term abuse).
Hang in there love - chin up