this entry isnt going to make much sense i fear...cuz even i dont understand what im gonna say completely but here goes........i feel as though things dont happen to me...they happen around me...like all around me, people are doing the dance of life, and i havent been asked to dance...and am instead standing on the side lines watching everyone in awe....i feel invisible sometimes...and like life is ignoring me/passing me by....like for instance...i love my job....but while im there, i cant really get into it (i pretend...fake a smile, give out hugs, pretend to be into it) i instead spend the whole time wishing i were at home in bed, and watch the clock to see how much longer my shift is.....then when i get home BAM, i think about how much i love those kids and how lucky i am to be working with them....yet, i cant enjoy them this way while im there....or when im out with friends or my sister, all i can think about it my food that i will allow myself later, how cold i am, how many cals im burning, and when ill get a cup of coffee....and therefore do not fully enjoy the shopping trip, the movie, or just the convo as much as i would....yet later on while im thinking about my day b4 i drift off to sleep, ill be hit by a sudden "wow that was fun shopping or watching the movie with so and so".........does any of this make sense? ok good, explain it to me please =Pim so conflicted....i want to take off next semester so badly...but i dont know how to approach my parents about it...they will think that me taking next semester is me taking 1 step closer to becoming my ED....but i NEED time to figure out what the hell i wanna do with my life...i cannot keep going to school aimlessly...and this failing classes isnt doing much for my recovery...let me tell u that.....and i need to research jobs and see wahts out there.....and i dont wanna deal with going to school over this winter...the cold/snow/traveling will be too overwhelming....i just wanna work...and see what i come up with....but im worried that my health insurance wont cover me if im not a full time student....and that my parents wont let me live at home if im not in school....omg omg omg...i cant keep piddling away money just taking classes...i need a goal....i need some time.........=(
Replies
Your first paragraph made comlete sense to me. I feel the same at time. I don\'t really know a better way to explain it to you though.
Are you covered under your parents health insurance? When I was in college I took only one class one quarter. To be covered under my dad\'s insurance I was supposed to be a full time student. I don\'t think his insurance even realized I was only taking one class, because I was still insured. My dad had to send the insurance my schedule, but I don\'t think he had to send it every quarter. You should probably talk to your parents and find out how the insurance works.
Btw, there\'s always a free room at my house if you need a place to live, plus I\'ll let you have all the safe foods you want.
Okay, so, I\'m in CA. It\'s not as cold as NY. Save up your money, fly here, get free rent and coffee. Starbucks is just down the street, and so is 7-11. Kevin and I both have cars, and there is a state school just 15 minutes away. This is something you can do and it will give you time to think. Plus, I would love to have you. Oh, and we have a couch bed and a big screen telly.
I know what you mean when it comes to everyone dancing around you, and you\'re never asked to join in. Everyone seems to be having fun but food thoughts are just too obsessive to ignore. :(
It\'s kinda weird how alike we are in ways. I just informs my parents and school that I am withdrawing this semester and will resume classes in Jan. Once you just make up your mind it\'s not so hard to tell everyone. The key is to do it rationally. Stay calm and explain your reasoning behind your decision. Sometimes you just have to put your life first. I know its hard but it has to be done. Good luck and Ill try to be around to chat with further.
You know what, I think you need to do what is best for you, not what will make your parents happy or mad! Maybe write down the pro\'s and con\'s and go to them with that and explain whats going on! I hope that makes some sense. I hope you are doing good, and thanks for the support!
I completely relate to that first paragraph... you have no idea. Sometimes I think I\'m seriously insane or something because I feel so detatched from everything.
Hey honey.. totally relate to that first paragraph. I have no idea of how to explain the reason behind it, but i feel that way as well. I took the fall semester off, and i am about to go back in january. I say go for it, and do what you need to do. I doubt you would want to come live with me..michigan...same if not worse weather than you have now!!!..love you..and thanks for the comment
~kay~
yuu do need the time!whats the point of all the stress and money that goes into the college for no good reason.this exprience is stressing yuu out more than its helping...and thats no good.
i totally understand what yuu mean about not being able to enjoy the moment.i\'m the same way.and when yuu walk away from the situation,yuu go \'oh shitt..what did i just let go by?really it was fine\'...i\'m srry i cant explain missy...if i could i would...i hope everything gets a milliom trillion times better for yuu dear.i love yuu to death and hate to see yuu so upset.
Here\'s my comment after all of your fans. Ha! I know how you feel. I\'ve always felt like I was on the outside looking in on life. It\'s the years of isolation this disease creates for us and it sucks. Goals are important, but sometimes it just takes a lot of soul searching to find out what they are. XOXO
I feel similar missy. ut mine is more that everyone gets to do things easier than i do. Instead of having to beg for benefits from a job, they have coverage through school or parents, instead of keeping the money made at a job i pay rent and utilities and struggle. I feel I never get to have fun and have to grow up to fast. If you can afford to take a semester off school, take it.. I know my year off school put me behind in school, but it put me ahead in life, Im more driven to succeed, and I have a better grasp on my responsibilities which is needed to balance home, life, and school.
I heard on one of my financial planning tapes a really great way of looking at life. When you are making a decision, think f what the worst possible case is, and the best possible case, and what would stay the same. If you can live with what the worst possible outcome is, go for it. Thats the worst or the best it could be.
Maybe you have the thoughts of happiness later because you may not feel like you deserve to be happy (like what you were saying with feeling like on the side lines). I know I do that... I totally understand this journal entry. I am a part of it with you.
Take time each day, even if it\'s an hour, to kick your ass around and find out information. I don\'t know what to say to you because you have lots of time, you just have to take the step and do it! I am not trying to be rude.. I just know you sound like me, and that\'s what I felt and had to do.
Maybe it would be better to live on your own? Or get help? ..... Something needs to change... You are overwhelmed and it\'s not fair, but at the same time, at least you are realizing that decisions need to be made. :) Love you.