sooo cold....and i got about an hr of sleep last night...my bed is my fav place in the whole world...i have a big satin comforter, and i have a fitted sheet/bedsheet that are fuzzy like a stuffed animal....and i have a space heater in my room...so im nice and toasty the way i like it...and my room has a certain aroma that is comforting...i love it...yet, Ed thoughts about how i might not wake up the next day, how my heart might give out, how tired i am, how i can feel my heart pounding/me wondering how it keeps going with how little i give it.....and i think about how ive ruined my family relationships, and how mean i am to my body......all that mixed in with me being hopped up on coffee doesnt always make for a good nights rest....although most nights, i manage to sleep anyhow....and i got a 2.5 hr nap after work b4 school...so im alrighti would really like to take a semester off of school to think about wtf i wanna do...i dont know...but i know i cant...cuz ill be talked about bhind my back by my fam...about how im not even goin to school anymore...and how i am just becoming my ED....i cannot handle this...so i think im staying in school =(i feel so huge......im swimming in my little pants, yet the fear of gaining weight is such that i can actually fool myself into thinking that it is happening right b4 my very eyes...ahhh...i know im not fat...im tiny...yet for some reason, fat has turned into a feeling for me...like happy and sad, when it is not actually a reality for me, it's not something i can touch or see...if that makes any sense...i think my moms icy front is starting to thaw...thank the lord....b4 i left for school today she told me to drive carefully since buffalo was supposed to get some snow today....the way things have been goin i was surprised she didnt say "drive recklessly and hopefully ED will die along with u".....guess my mom does still love me....not so sure about my pops though...and thank god for my sister....she loves me no matter wat...i asked her to walk me up at 5 from my nap so that i could get to school and she was leaving b4 then so she came in and tried to set my alarm for me...i love herand i just wanted to say to everyone on here...thank u for reading my journal...even when the entry is the stuff of a novel...i must admit that when i see entries that are uber long...i either A) dont read them or B) skim them....so i just wanted to say that im VERY touched that so many people read yesterdays monster novel...I LOVE U GUYS!
Replies
Will always be here for you even when I don\'t comment. Love ya....
Hey your room wounds great!! Hang in there, I am happy that your mom is coming around! Your sister just sounds great! Hope school went good!
I am glad your family is being so good! You deserve it!
i don\'t mind your novels all i care about is you and how you are doing. your ed thoughts are alot like mine and i get the cold shoulder alot too. i am glad your mom was nice and i am glad you have such a neat sister. i hope things get better for you and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
There\'s nothing like the love of a sister. They\'re always there when the chips are down. Fat is definitely a feeling because I have it too, like feeling cold or feeling relaxed. It just isn\'t an emotion. The emotions associated with feeling fat are what you need to tap into? XO
i say you should take a semester off. if you explain legitimate reasons then they\'ll begin to understand after a week or two i\'m sure.
Aww honey don\'t mind the novel readings at all, i love it, because you are being candid and open about how you feel and stuff. I took this fall semester off to try to get better * key word try* and my fam has been asking..\"when do you start the next semester\" worried i won\'t ever go back..i say take the time you need, it\'ll be alot cheaper than what i did , trying to do scholastic studies when my mind had no room for it because of ed
Love you
~kay~
I always enjoy reading your journals missy, Im a fast reader though so they really dont seem that long and they are so interesting! Anyways I wish I had a sister, it sounds really fun. I definately agree that fat is a feeling. Did you ever think about moving away from home to go to school? It did wonders for me and my stress levels and helped with eating too, I used to be much worse with cutting and bulimia and laxative abuse. Moving gave me some freedom to have control over things.
i love reading yuur journal.omg,i really do.
i\'m gald yuur mom is warming upp...that good..maybee yuu can talk to her about the safe foods soonish...so maybee she\'ll get alittle bit of the idea[yeah right].
take a break if yuu need one!it\'ll be better for yuu than stressing yuurself out too much.
Both your parents love you to pieces, and that\'s why they are just so scared. They don\'t know what to say though, and have not yet opened their hearts up. :(
And like you said, you ARE tiny. Try to start listening to your logical brain!!!
Hey, you have so much support on here that I really don\'t have anything to say, because everyone already said my thoughts. But I just wanted to let you know you will always have my support!!! Your entries make me laugh and I think that is why so many people read your journal. We all need to laugh a little.
I will always read your journal.