well i woke up at 10:09 am....was supposed to be at work at 7:30 am....u do the math...when did i get so goddamn stupid for fucks sake?!?! im such a screw up...i havent been sleeping well lately...so after a night of only getting 3 hrs of sleep, i took a sleeping pill last night to help me sleep....well i slept through my alarm....i was freaking out....jumped up, brushed my teeth, put on jeans, washed my face and flew out the door...made it to work by 10:30...apologized profusely to my boss and told her that if she were to fire me that i would understand...she said that it was ok and she understood....and to make up time that i could stay later today....so i stayed at work til 4:30.......im so mad at myself...my thoughts on the way to work were about how fucking stupid i am...and about how much im gonna cut my calories back today...cuz a fuck up doesnt deserve to eati just got home about 30 min ago....when i walked in, my family was in the process of scooping freshly made chili into their bowls for supper, and homemade milkshakes into cups to drink......ewww...can we say calorie load? then my sister was talking about how she put cheese into hers....but she had eaten b4 everyone else....my thoughts jumped to "u probably didnt eat at all and are trying to make it look like u did!"....but no, my sister eats...im the one who would pull a stunt like that.......well anwyways...when i got home, i went and heated up the coffee that i was supposed to have this morning but didnt have time for....it was in the microwave and my dad was like "the chili is already hot...what r u heating up?"....he knows very DAMN well that i wouldnt be eating the chili...he just wanted to draw attention that the fucked up ED child was heating up coffee while everyone else (aka the "normal" people) was eating dinner.....thanks alot asshole...i mean dad..................
Replies
family can be soooooooooooooo horrible at times... but its their way of coping i guess... ur not a fuck up mel, just under strain with this ed shit... keep going precious, x
Not a fuck up, just a little lost in her ED. You\'re not alone girl. And you can get through this. I hope you keep trying. Don\'t be too angry with your family, they care about you, and it probably drives them crazy to watch you do this to yourself. We\'re here for you girl.
okay helloooo you can\'t write on my journal such a nice comment and then say to yourself that you\'re such a screw up. that\'s not fair!
thank you so much for your support. your dad doesn\'t sound supportive to recovery...just to pointing out your disease....ugh
Boy have I walked a mile in your shoes. Ed loves to punish us for just being a human being and making human mistakes. Don\'t let him win. I\'m looking forward to the day that you can sit down and have some chili and a milkshake with your family. It may not be today, but I hold out the greatest hope for you. I know a part you wants to turn this around, and you have the strength to do it. XO
Sorry if my question sounds like a therapist, but where you ever punished by being denied food? Because whenever you mess up you always say that your are going to cut back because a mess up doesn\'t deserve food. I think everyone is guilty of sleeping in and being late for work. I know I\'ve done it before.
I don\'t think you are going to gain a ton of weight from eating chili once in a while. I eat it. The meatless kind though because just the thought of meat makes me sick. I haven\'t gained any weight from it. I think your dad really wanted you to sit down and eat with them. He probably misses that. Idk just a thought.
i am SO sorry. i know exactly how you feel. my dad did the exact same thing when i was living at home. but my mom did too, and they were so sarcastic about it, it just didnt make me wanna change at all. good luck oney!
oh missy....
you.are.not.a.screwup.
sleeping.in.late.onceandawhile.is.okay!
you.do.not.need to be fired everytime one small thing happens!
do understand me?! :]
seriously,you need to get that.its not the end of the world....and you are not causing it.