hmm....down another 1.5 lbs....well actually more....i was 118 as of 10 o'clock last night....so i had a shitload of liquids in me by that point....liquids being water, coffee, and diet soda.....so im 118 lbs....6ft tall....and i refuse to change my eating patterns until i see the number 115 on the scale...i dont know y this is....i think that it may be that i want to put off having to do something until a certain point...kind of makes the present easier to deal with...im just worried about what ill do when i see 115....im getting closer and closer to the weight i was hospitalized at last yr...i was almost dead....so when i see 115 i NEED to do soemthing myself...cuz i refuse to go through treatment again.........i was a little pissed off last night when i stopped at this gas station that i sometimes go to for coffee/gas on the way home from college...and well at this other branch of this same gas station near me i always make a fresh pot of coffee myself....and i have been doing it at this place as well...and no one has ever said ne thing to me b4...but this guy last night was like "ur not supposed to be making coffee here, that's our job....and ur always in here doing it" and im thinking well then fucking do ur job and make a fresh pot u stupid mother fucker.....but i was like "ok"....then i was preparing my coffee (adding shit loads of splenda) and the guy walked past and rudely said "dan, i think ur gonna need to refill the splenda again!"....i was thoroughly pissed off at this point!! just let me make my mother fucking coffee u stupid ass fuck who pushes a mop for a living at 40yrs old!!!!!!!!!!the saving grace of yesterday was that i got my grade on psych test i took on monday.......i got an 83! and that was wiht not paying attention in class, not reading, but studying for one hr like 2 days b4 the test...now imagine what i could do if i paid attention and stopped doing crossword puzzles in class, read the chapter, and studied more frequently!! i might....*drum roll please*ace the next one........kind of a relief to know that i can still succeed even with my raging ED....guess ED cant take everything away from me just yet!!!
Replies
I don\'t like this game of russian roulette you\'re playing with yourself. It\'s time that you learned to trust. Start by trusting that when you starve yourself down to 115 that you\'ll probably end up in the hospital. Stop all the wondering and start some believing, please. I care tons for you. XO
what\'s gonna (magically?) happen when you hit 115? you know darn well what\'s gonna happen...nothing. you\'re gonna continue right on starving yourself into the hospital or an early grave.
Erica just said exactally what I was going to say. When I was 90 lbs I always told myself that once I reached 85 lbs I would start eating more. Well, once I reached that weight, I only wanted to loss more. But I\'m notgoing to lecture you because I\'m in the same boat you are and I know you know what you have to do. You just have to take control over yourself and not let ED do all the controling.
missy... im with the ladies... its coz we care and i know you know that... but you would say the same to us... come on girl.. ur too precious for this shit to ruin you.x
Dont pay attention to the gas station people, they dont have much connection to the outside world. Like everyone said before me. I wish that you would change your thinkng about recovery now instead of at 115. Nothing will most likely happen, but yet so many things could happen. I am going to step off the soap box now because as you now, I am at the mind set as you. I wish y ou much luck.
i honestly think that yu arent gunna stop at 115...what makes yuu think that number will change how yuu feel or think...this one number will not change everything or anything.
but good job on the test!
congrats on your test kiddo, but are you gonna survive to 115? you may think it is only you who is in danger but what if you pass out while driving or have a stroke? Maybe you dont want treatment, but dont you want life? Maybe you think you have a life, but you dont because ED has taken over...
I still see some fight in you girl. Don\'t let the number 115 run your life. Things are not gonna get better just because you hit 115. Weight doesn\'t make or break life. And it won\'t make or break yours. It\'s good that you\'re scared for yourself. I\'m scared for you too. Your ED isn\'t in complete control, hence the sweet test score. Keep fighting. I know you can do this.
Oh nooo...don\'t let your weight go down anymore...I know what you are going through though..I used to have certain number and I would want less and less..it could of gone on forever..well until I\'m dead anyway...this is gonna sound crazy but try and not go on the scale for a while...just pretend that you went on it and just don\'t...eat as normal as you can...I know easier said than done but at least give it a shot! Ok and that guy..I would have taken the pot and shoved it up his ass...what a PISS ANT!!! Hey good job on your test..yeah i don\'t believe i studying anymoe...everytime I do...I get the same grade I would have gotten without all the work...either you got it or you don\'t..you obviously got it GIRL!!!
Good job on the test that is great. Be kind to yourself ok?
You captivated me with the gas station story... I know how that is... I agree all of the aforementioned comments..when i hit 85, i told myself i was done..i want to try for an even lower number...this cycle is damaging, and i do hope that you find help ..I care about you, and want to see you well..
congrats on the fantastic score on your exam! well done!