good news for the day (always try to look at the positives in life first right?)1) i turned in the form to my boss about the TB and communicable diseases thing (the one my dr refused to sign the bottom of b/c of my anorexia) and my boss didnt say anything to me about the bottom not being filled out....but when i went to clock out, the machine said check ur immunizations...so i wonder if she'll say something to me tomorrow...god i hate the stress of waiting to see if something is gonna happen or not...2) i got to leave work early cuz it was a holiday and alot of parents werent bringing in their kids cuz of it....so there werent as many kids as were anticipated so i only had to work from 7:30 am- 11:00 am...so i went home and napped from 11:30-2.....then off to school (yes, my college is in session on columbus day...but we had yom kippur off....make sense? good then soemone explain it to me)bad news time........ 1) i cannot concentrate on school....i cannot bring myself to study...i am obsessed with my ED....and my grades are sucking.....i wish that i were one of those "perfectionist anorexics" the ones who study their butts off because they are that driven to get the A.....hey if im gonna have an ED, i might as well be one that succeeds at school while doing it..........grrrrrrrr2) i am so tired...i am so stuck...but yet this all comforts me......and scares me at the same time3) being tall is hard because im supposed to eat more calories to maintain my weight....so eating around 500 calories a day is like twice as bad for me.....anyone want a few inches?4) i dont think i am fat...i knw i am thin....but i just dont think im sickly thin....which i apparently am....i look around and see other girls and think that they are smaller than me....i am constantly finding myself berating myself in my head with phrases like "ur a fucking fatass" or "ur a fatty fatty fat fat"...i know im not fat, but i am constantly hearing myself tell myself that....god i am frikin crazy!another thing is.....i am OBSESSED with this website...i am on here all the time...when im not on here, i find myself thinking about what im gonna write in here on any given day...i wish i could put this kind of thought into my school......
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ohyeahh.god i hate the stress of worring about something yuur not even sure will happen...it sucks ass.
i know how scary eatin is but maybe yuu can think of something to eat \'for\'.not like a goal weight but yuu want to eat so yuur not tired...yuu want to eat to make yuur bf happy...ect..its an idea.
**btw..i read this article in people magazine about britney snow [the actress] and it was all about her ed...i think yuu would like it..
oh, ive been feeling like that all morning hearing the fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat (you know how it goes) creeping in to my head. and when i go out - even to uni -it manifests intself in the appearance of other seemingly thinner girls and i feel like fat bastard in comparision.
oh im so sad your feeling like that
i hope it wears off though
lots of love
x
I know how you feel girl. ED\'s are so all consuming, sometimes I wonder how I have a life! But I do think it\'s a good thing you\'re on here. If you\'re getting something good that you need, then why is it a bad thing? That voice in your head, the one that yells at you, that\'s the ED. It\'s loud, I know, but keep countering that with your \"I know I\'m not fat.\" You\'re not. You\'re beautiful. And I wish I could make you see that.
thanks for sharing the good along with the bad ugh tell me about being addicted to DS! AHHHHH i\'m addicted hehe
I hear the fat stuff in my head all the time too. The only time I saw skinny was in one of my wedding photos....and I\'m on this site all the time too. It\'s better than talking to people in my life about it, they don\'t understand - but everyone here understands and helps out as much as they can. Being tall sucks huh - try being 4\'11\"!!!! haha. any weight at all looks huge. Hugs to you....you\'re doing okay.The Dr. thing went well, so did most of the day for you. Good thing you are focusing on the positives!!!
Oh sweetie I would totally take a few inches off your hands If I could. Im sorry things are sucking they will get better. And Im obsessed with DS too, lol and I think about you guys when Im not on so...
Sounds like you are very compulsive. I honestly just have learnt ways to try and deal with mine, but I hate not offering help to you. I feel so helpless because I want to say just do something about it, but I know everyone is not like me..... I think coming here and writing down what you are feeling is a good thing. You are obviously, more now than I\'ve ever seen, wanting help, wheather you know that or not. I see a sign on your forehead that says, HELP ME PLEASE!!
I will be thinking about you....
i\'m sorry you\'re stuck, sometimes we have to wallow around in the muck before we are ready to get ourselves unstuck though.