i think that there was some slight confusion on my last journal entry...when i said that i wasnt gonna change for anybody else but myself i was talking in regards to my ED...i wont change my personality for anyone else, but that has always gone without saying for me.....as for my ED i feel like everyone around me is trying to MAKE me change and recover....but this ISNT going to work.....i will only change when im good and ready to...and right now, im NOT ready totomorrow i will explain things as best as i can to james...its only fair to lay it out there for him so that he knows whatsup, and so that he can decide if its worth it to stick around.....maybe he'll be like the others and pretend that hes not scared or weirded out by it, but then eventually want out of the relationship because he cant hide the 3rd wheel any longer...or maybe he'll truely deal with it because he likes me for me and right now my ED is a part of me...and since its on my mind 24/7, its a BIG part of me at the moment..if he wants out, then that's his choice...no hard feelings....having a relationship while having an ED is hard anyways....and im not in love...im 20...im not even sure what love is...i dont think id even know it if it smacked me in the face....im just glad that when i fall in love, it wont be the same kind of love relationship that i currently have with my ED i won $56 at bingo last night...split it with tracy (we split with each other every time one of us wins) so i went home with $28 but i spent $10 so i went home $18 richer! and hey im cool with that!......im kind of nervous about going to see the movie sydney white (the nanny diaries isnt playing grrrrr) tomorrow night....i have to be home by 10pm....or else i wont eat....i live by too many rules...and im so embarassed to tell this to james....god what will he think of me? and he cant come home with me...cuz i dont like eating in front of an audience!!!!i think the lack of calories is taking its toll on my emotions/hormones....food really does effect the way u feel....im starting to get sad, depressed, and hopeless again........dont know what to do other than eat...but i cant do that...if i could, i wouldnt be in this mess that i am right now and have been in for the past 5 yrs
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Try and eat little things at least every hour or so..that way you can keep your energy level up...I know it was very hard on my body and mind when I had no food in me....I got very lethergic...eating snacks at least helps you stay awake....fruit is perfect, same with some crackers and cheese..some substance goes a long way..even when it\'s hard...jenny
Hey im sure James will try make the relationship work sounds like he likes you a lot but no guy is worth it if they cant be there for something like this you need quality support! its ok ur not ready to recover yet knowing this is atleast 1 step you can take ur time its best that way if u try to hard u\'ll just burn out and give up
Congratulations on the win. I just want to say \"way to go\" for leaving bingo while you were still $18 up.
Great news about winning!! You\'re a very generous friend, not only with your winnings, but with yourself,too. About James, well, if your ED is a problem with him then it\'s his problem. If he likes you for you, you\'ll know it. There\'s just something inside you that tells you this. Good luck with James and I hope you have a good weekend!! Hugs~Steph
The sad, depressed and hopeless is totally a result of not eating and not weighing enough!!! And you know my thoughts about the getting better when you ready! It will be a long long wait for that to happen given the nature of the Beast. From experience when you undernourished and 24/7 ED you wouldn\'t know If you where in love cos you cannot cope with those emotions and you just shut down. Best of luck talking with your BF today- some people do amaze you and I hope he is one of those :)
Keep fighting girl. At least you are aware of your feelings. And as for changing, we all know that it\'s up to us to make that decision. You have a wonderful, giving spirit, that should never change. I only hope that ED releases it\'s grip on you. You\'re in my thoughts.
ohh babe.
i\'m sorry about how yuur feeling..trust me,i know those stupid emotions all too well and they suck...the truth is that food may bee a small part of it but really...its just that fucked up ed...it doesnt me yuur fucked upp..the ed is.
i really hope james will understand..people are stupid about how they see ed but maybe yuu can help this person that is so speacil to yuu understand.
my best of luck girlii.
If you aren\'t ready to change your eating disorder behavior, why are you here? That confuses me, and I just think the world of you so I hope you don\'t take offense to the personal question. XOXOXO