well im going to tell james about ED this saturday....him and i are going to see The Nanny Diaries...and he was like "and if u wanna talk about what's been bothering u, we can talk after the movies, that is if ur comfortable enough to do so".....i guess it's good that he knows that something is bothering me...im sure he'll be surprised to find out that it's been bothering me for o going on 5 yrs now!..........i wonder how he's gonna react....let's see, my last serious bf was this macho military man who had already been to iraq and was planning/hoping to get to go back to as he said "avenge his friends' deaths"....well my ED scared him off like no tomorrow....guess getting shot at in Iraq is less scarey than sitting through a therapy session with ur gf because she has an ED.....who knew?while sitting in class today, i realized that i do something that comforts me in regards to my body...i will cross my arms across my body so that they are resting on my pelvic bones (which stick out) and then i lean forward so that my ribs are sticking into the top of my arm.....in this position, i can feel my ribs and my pelvic bones at the same time sticking into my arm...and this comforts me.....dang i am so fucked upwell as gawd awful as ED is, i got to thinking....it's not all bad...i wouldnt be doing this to myself if i werent getting something out of it...i mean come on now..im not a glutton for punishment...i MUST be getting something in return for all of this misery/pain/turmoil....so what is it that ED does for me? please don't anyone get mad at me for listing what ED does for me thinking that it's pro ana stuff...this is my journal and my thoughtswhat ED does for me: 1) keeps me thin....and we all know that thin is always in2) gives me a sense of identity3) makes me feel powerful/virtuous4) gives me a form of control that no one can take away from me5) makes me not needy (i dont need food therefore, i am not needy)6) occupies my thoughts and helps me filter out the other "bad things" that may be going on at the timeso is all of this worth the health problems? the infertility? the wrecked relationships? the struggles in school? the confusion? the fights? the obsession?.......guess in my mind it is...wow who knew that i REALLY was that fucked up? wait til james hears.......
Replies
that is really good to write down what you get from ED. it is part of recovery not pro ED. keep us informed about what he says. remember you are not anorexia it is one small pest that has attatched itself to you....like a leech. mwah
Dear lord, I know what you mean. I do the same thing with the sitting position.
I\'m glad you\'re finally telling James about ED.
Glad you are getting this off your chest and telling James. Hope he takes it well. I feel like he will be really supportive. Good luck!
Good for you for telling your bf. I\'ve had my ED for 12 years and I still struggle with it (it\'s better now though). I meet Dave and told him about it 3.5 years ago. We just got married last week! Honestly, I thought I\'d marry my eating disorder. I never had time for a relationship. Not that marriage is in on your mind..lol..just sharing :o)
I hope everything goes well this weekend with James. If he really cares about you, he will stick by you. I often ask my husband why he stays with me and goes through all the suffering my ED puts me through. He says that he will never leave me because of my anorexia. He said he will not give up on me and he believes that someday I will be ED free. And so will you. I do the same thing while I\'m sitting and when I\'m standing I put my hands on my pelvic bones to makes sure I can still feel them. This gives me pleasures. Your ED list is alot like mine. I often think to myself \"is it really worth all the pain suffering?\" And you know what I guess sometimes it is even though I hate it so much.
omg.
i could relate to everything in yuur list...they are so true.
i am so HAPPY that yuu are gunna tell yuur bf...i reallyreally hope he will take it well..i think he will...the is no real reason not too...yuu are so brave!
if anyone calls that pro-anna , and i doubt they would -they are stupid and moronic because this is a postive site dedicated to rehabilitation and proactive soloutions. and by the way no one is on here to judge so please dont ever feel that way. i totally agree with the list of things you outlined re: what you get out of your ed, and in identifying them, it will make it easier for you to fix the problem. can totally relate to every single one on that list plus a couple more for me include the fact that it allows me to isolate myself and avoid people (being a shy person by nature that is great) and even friends among other things.
and re: telling james -
go easy, he sounds like a really nice guy but a couple of my other friends on here have opened up to boyfriends etc and said that it changed the nature of the relationship because they didnt fully understand the nature of their e.d\'s and the reasons for it. and i dont want to talk you out of telling him, because ofcourse it will take your relationship to the next level and hopefully then he\'ll understand more of what makes you tick but try and gauge his reaction from the start and you\'ll know what to include and what to exclude (he\'s your bf so only exclude until a later date of course, just so he has time to digest the situation etc. oh my - i hope that didnt sound offensive ,just from experience i know its a very sensitive issue - the werid part is, its often even more of a touchy issue for people who know someone affected by it because they dont understand it and it frustrates them. none the less best of luckk and you;ll have to post and let us all know how it goes . he\'s a really nice guy so im sure you;\'ll be fine.
lots of love
ninny
xoox
p.s - thanks for the advice on my journal. much appreciated. i def will do all i can in future to stop the binge in the first place knowing that my body wont let me purge any more.fingers crossed.
James may not be as surprised as you might think. He may have noticed that you really never eat when you guys are together. Don\'t understimate him. He sounds like he really cares about you and what you are going through. AND, Guess What...You absolutley desreve someone who does. Your list is awesome! Some \"food\" for thought...you can have all of those things and more without killing yourself. Actually, you may be addicted to the pain and misery because it is comfortable for you, and you don\'t feel like you are worth feeling differently. BUT YOU ARE!! Anyway, I\'m going to hush now...sometimes I feel like I talk out of my butt! XOXOXOXOX
Before I hush I just want to wish you the best on your endeavor with James. I will be sending you all my love and energy over the weekend. Rock It Out Girl!! Love You..