ya know...i was thinking today (dangerous yesi know)...and u know what has happened? i as well as im sure pretty much everyone on DS has normalized their ED...in our eyes, since it is familiar and since we have been ill for so long, we view it as normal....like when people comment on my height (im a 6ft tall girl) i am sometimes startled cuz i know im tall, but i am not shocked by it, im used to it...to me it is normal....in my eyes, a 6ft tall female isnt odd or note worthy...it's my reality.....just like my anorexia....my eating habits to me are normal in my eyes...i think that my mind has even gone as far to convince me that everyone else is eating normally for them, but my body doesnt need that much food to function.........grrrr....i guess i am my own worst enemy arent i? thank the lord that no one can read minds....they would most likely condemn me if they could....when im not thinking about calories/food/diets/weight gain....i am thinking normal (real normal thoughts not ED normal thoughts) using words like shaboodleshiz, and shiznit....and in phrases such as mes madres fockers!.....lol i just caught myself doing this on my way to college today...i was thinking about how this lawn decorations place doesnt get robbed cuz they do leave all their stuff outside...but then i thought "well that shaboodleshiz is probably mad heavy so they cant steal it even if they wanted to" only dawned on me today that this word is only familiar to me lolmy interview for the day care is tmorrow!!! i worked 6 hrs today, then i went to school after work.....so a busy day all around =).....in food news...wasnt able to eat more today....i know that i still have time...but i just know that it's not gonna happen for me today...im stressed, and on edge...not sure y just yet....but i cant help how i feel........maybe tomorrow....or the next day.........hmmmm maybe next week
Replies
Eat next week??? What are you trying to be? Me? Ha!
I love your journals, you\'re so honest and uninhibited. What a struggle we face, so glad we have each other. Hang in, you\'re worth it. Corny I know but I really mean it. XOXOXOXOXOXOXO
Is this your first job in awhile? Maybe getting into the work place and having to eat lunch with others will make you self conscience and will make you eat. At least how that\'s how I felt one I started working after this unemployed summer. As a binge eater, I\'d hide eating my tiny lunches (on the days I was trying to be \"good\") family wouldn\'t comment on that I should eat more. Now that I\'m at work, it helps to sit around others (especially the older ones on weight watches and such) who are eating healthy. I always pack a nice healthy and satisfying (and good lookcing) lunch!
haha - yes i think we all have our own crazy venacular that goes on inside our head.
at times i swear i even catch myself having conversations with myself. like telling myself -
nah - ninny, its ok, thoose fools are just playing silly buggars with you arnt they?
and i answer (in my head) to myself ) yeaaah (lazily), thats what there doing.
so your in good company ahhaha.
your only crazy if you dont think you are and both of us know we are so were fine for sure.
haha
lots of love
ninny
I tottally know what you mean about thinking the way you eat is normal, since it\'s been what you know for so long. Like when I babysat my nieces and nephew a while back I totally forgot to feed them lunch. Samantha was like \"we didn\'t eat lunch\" and I said we are going out for dinner, you don\'t have to eat two meals a day. She was like yes we do. Really I don\'t know why I thought they didn\'t have to eat because I do feed my girls three times a day, just thought I would put them on my shcedule since that is what I see as normal.
Good luck on the interview. I used to work in a day care, so if you get the job and need any advice, please ask. It is a very challanding job, but also very rewarding.
I do the same thing. I think the way I eat is normal, but I get mad when others do what I do. Pretty screwed up!!
you\'re right, you can\'t help how you feel, but you are in charge of choosing whether to change it or not, just like we all are. i hope you choose to change soon rather than later. because if it\'s later it\'s very possible that you will miss your chance. hugs sweetie!