ive hit a point where i know that i NEED to change...even if that doesnt mean recovering....cuz at the moment, giving up my ED scares me shitless....but i NEED to eat dinner with my family...even if it's a tiny tiny bit....this disorder has fucked up my relationship wiht them something horrible....i feel like crying when i think of how messed up things have gotten in my family.......i wasnt able to hold myself together yesterday........and james was coming down to spend time with me....on the way to meet him, i let myself cry because then i would get it all out and then i could be happy to be with james and not be upset about my family situation/my ED........so i cried...then i met up with him, and we went to my town's fair....he got me a stuffed animal!.....and then we went down to the lake....and i fell apart again.....i didnt explain to him what it was all about...but i did tell him that my relationships within my family are a little stressed....and he now knows that there is something about me that i dont wanna tell him...he just said "im here to listen, u can tell me if u want....if u dont want to then that's ok too"....then he just held me while i criedthe rest of the night was fun....we spent that night at tracy's because her parents are outta town...and NO, nothing happened....it was COMPLETELY innocent...alright guys, ill let u in on a secret lol...im not a virgin, but im not gonna jump into bed with every guy i meet...james even minded his hands...i like how he respects me...and actually cares about me...and not just what he can get out of me.......the only thing rough about having a bf is that he always wants to eat...and my ED is screaming in my head...omg hes gonna get so fat!...but then i think we'll hes been eating how hes wanted to his whole life....and hes not fat....so let him be.......we were in starbucks last night and he wanted a white chocolate mocha...and i said theres alot of sugar in that...and he just shrugged his shoulders....its kind of hard to not respond to those thoughts my ED puts into my head.........well...if ur not happy...then u must change something in order to have any chance of obtaining happiness....well surprise surprise, im not happy with my life at the moment....i NEED my family...i just wanna be LOVED AND ACCEPTED by them!....isnt the definition of insanity doing something over and over again respecting different results each time? well guys, i think that these past 5 yrs....i have been insane!
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yuur rite.yuu do have to change.for the better.and yuu can get there...yuu have believe that yuu can beat yuur ed.and it seems yuu have the support to do it.. :]
That\'s the tough part. You have been insane and it\'s familiar. Your family has been living with second-hand ed, and they keep doing the same thing expecting things to change as well. And the power greater than ourselves that can restore us to sanity? I can\'t quite identify with that as I feel I\'ve never had any sanity so how could it be restored? Maybe by your willingness to change, you and your family can have have a shot at that peace you so desperately need. I know how scared you are to give up ED. Really!! I know.. You also know that nothing changes if nothing changes. I\'ll be leaving for treatment in the next day or so, and I hope I can keep in touch. You\'ve helped me so much, but now it\'s time for me to find the answers to this twisted self-destruction. It\'s now. It\'s just the time is now. XOXOXOXOXO
hey he sounds like a sweetie i think he\'ll be there 4 u no matter what!
James sounds like a really great guy...I really hope it works out. ya\'ll really have a great time together. I know what you mean about needing to change. EDs really do screw up every aspect of your life. I know relationships must be much easier without them. Good luck. I\'m happy for you. Hugs!
aww he sounds lovely. Its not your fault your family life is stressed but trying to eat a bit of dinner with them may help to get them off your back. Hugs for you x
any ideas what you might change?
I\'m going for the healthy thin. I eat healthy, but just a little more, so i\'m not so grumpy, and I have energy to do things! I\'ll always have a problem, but you have to bite your tounge and just do it! It\'s going to be fucking scary as hell the first little while, such is anything. It seems like you really want to change, but you just aren\'t putting your foot through the door, why not try it? Maybe it will be tomorrow, maybe it won\'t, but you have to slap that stubborn ed in the face for a moment, so you can enjoy your life.