grrrr!!! hard ass day...mentally that is...i am so sick of the waging war inside of my head...im glad that no one can hear my thoughts except for me...i would have no friends....i shall share these thoughts with my friends here...because u guys are in the same boat as i...my real life friends wouldnt get it...but i know my DS friends will...thank god for u guys!ill start at the beginning of this horrific 24 hrs....it all started last night while i was lying in bed waiting for sleep...i was thinking about things...and i thought to myself "self ur slipping back really bad...u need to catch urself b4 u end up skinnier....u need to do the one thing u dont want to...add calories" so i layed there and added up my calories that i took in that day (which i will not post on here out of courtesy for those reading this...just know that it is unreasonably low)...and i decided that i should take in 120 more a day as a start (this increase wouldnt even begin to get me close to 4 digit numbers....then i got scared and thought...ok 80 cal increase instead....yes...i can do 80 more...i wont get fat...im way below 1000....way way below...and besides...i have eaten more than i am now...and still lost weight...come on missy! u CAN do it!.......then i feel asleepwell when push came to shove...i got in 20 more calories....20!....and i had bargained myself down from 120 to 80....only to end up with 20 more!......and guess waht? im pissed about eating that 20......i have been beating myself up all day about it....i keep wanting to cut out the other food i eat....god....wish i could turn off my thoughts for awhile!!!!!!!another thing im pissed about...i was reading a book that i got from the library today...just a collection of short stories...and in one of them there was this girl who traveled to LA...and she went out to a business dinner....and of course the author HAD to toss to ED girls into the mix....one of the girls pushed lettuce around her plate and didnt eat a thing...while the other ate a little bit of lettuce and then threw it up in the bathroom...ok i dont know but this bothers me when people portray ED people as only eating lettuce and only that all day....makes me feel fat....cuz i eat more than lettuce...sure i eat lettuce....but other stuff to...when i see someone on a tv show thats being portrayed as "anorexic" and they are only eat one plate of lettuce a day.....i think omg....i am ashamed of how much i consume...these portrayals totally make me wanna consume less......i wish that i werent so easily persuaded by my ED...i have a 128 IQ...and yet i cannot convince myself to eat a healthy amount of food....food i know that my body needs.......
Replies
You\'re the only one who can turn this around at this point. You know what/where you are heading twoards and you know what\'s going to happen. Figure out some way to get your ass back in gear before your ass is grass or worse.....your ass is in the grass.......litteraly. No one else can do it for you.
I\'m so sorry you\'re struggling with calories so badly. I understand more now how hard this is for you, even though I can\'t identify. I know you can beat this, but it\'s gonna be hard. You are in my prayers and I\'m here if you need me.
you know that if you can\'t turn this around on your own, it\'ll be forced upon you at some point down the road. it\'ll be that much harder to bounce back....if you even survive. girl, take a close look at yourself......you are WORTH FIGHTING FOR! i am sorry you\'re having such a hard time. i really am. but you need to take a look in the reality mirror and realize where you\'re headed. i only say it cuz i love you!
I know how hard those crazy thoughts are. Personally I\'m not able to sort mine out right now and McFatFat is eyeing my breakfast. I\'m reconsidering going to IP. Doing it alone is helping, but I\'m sick of all the yo-yo things that I do which make no sense. XOXOXOXO
A typical day in my mind.... I feel the same way about the way they protray EDs.. It\'s funny you mention that because i\'ve never told that to anyone or whatever... I think, wow nina, you are fat, why can\'t you just eat lettuce all day. Crazy.... Good job on getting a bit of extra in you! that\'s a big step! Keep it up.