so many thoughts racing through my head...i can never get them all out...i always remember other things that i wanted to say whenever i finish my journal entry...well lets see how well i do...1) i went to therapy today and my therapist had talked to my primary dr and they agreed that i could keep seeing him and not see my ED dr again if i remained medically stable....(thank god for the weight belt i was wearing when i got weighed.....now i must wear it every appt)....and as long as i get my blood work done tomorrow....great...needles...i hate them with a passion2) i dont get my period ne more.....lost it 2 yrs ago....but i still get the side effects...i get bloated, tired, bitchy, and hungry.......well my tummy actually rumbles which is so rare for me...not that i give into it...but it happens.....needless to say...i think that that is y i am feeling so bloated, sluggish, and bitchy at the moment........grrr...hopefully tomorrow it will be gone.........and btw...i dont want my period back...i know that not having the flow hurts u later on medically...but its one less thing i have to worry about at the moment.....i know that some people say not having their period makes them feel like less of a woman...but i have D cup boobs that say otherwise.....3) right now im not wanting to get better...im stuck....but not fighting to get out of the rut....dont anybody say that things will get better blah blah blah....right now i jsut wanna be left alone with my ED...it has me fooled into thinking that i control it rather than it controlling me4) i got my loan shit all done and taken care of today! woo hoo...now i just have to wait to make sure that the school got all the paperwork...omg i hope this is over!......i was up at my college today and i bought a college hoodie...love it5) i cant wait til my blue contacts come in...i dont haev a prescription...cuz i have good vision...but my eye dr gives me non prescription blue ones...and they are AMAZING lol...i have been buyin them for about 3 yrs now...lol...love them6) alright one last thing...i KNOW that i AM skinny...i dont have that altered perception that some people with EDs do...but sometimes when im bloated i feel fat....so i often refer to myself in my head as fatass...or i joke about it with my friends...cuz i know that im not really fat...but im afraid to call myself fat on here...cuz this is the internet...and my ED tells me that u guys will all think that im huge if i say that im fat ...just because we arent face to face.....lol i think i worry too much....omg...but this is how my self defeating mind workswell thats about it 4 now.....my dad still treats me like a 2nd rate citizen because of my ED....so same old same old.....i dont know what id do if he actually said someting nice to me...and told me that he loved me........well no use thinking about what if ...that kind of thinking doesnt get anyone anywhere
Replies
I don\'t think you\'re huge. You\'ve posted too many pictures of yourself. Ha! Sorry about the Dad struggle, it must hurt a lot. Glad you\'re writing all this out as it comes to you. XOXOXOXO
omg haha, thats funny, i don\'t think your fat and because you\'ve posted that you have an e.d i prob wouldn\'t think you were fat, even if you called yourself fat unless you published your weight - and if that said you were fat -= and so what, it wouldn\'t mean boo to me - despite the fact that i have an e.d. i don\'t really care what other people look like. your a really lovely person, that comes through = cliche to say that _whats on the inside is what counts but its true in this case\'.
i was anna forabout three months before my bulimia and afterwards i didn\'t get my period for like two years so i can relate = yes. hehe. it was somewhat of a convienience and it also sort of made me feel good because i felt like i had acheived something in knowing that it doesn\'t come when your skinny enough. when it returned i felt so fat - no because i was bloated but because i\'d set a benchmark - not having my period meant i was almost good enough - slim enough - even though i still felt huge i was REALLY skinny - almost admitted actually. so yeach
well done on organising your loan thing though - must feel good to have that off your chest.
stay well.
lots of love
ninny1
gosh, this makes you seem like you are so sad! and i dont really know what to reply with saying...
about the pregnancy thing, yeah, it\'s not good that i binge. it\'s unhealthy. and i def. want a healthy baby if i am pregnant. so we\'ll see if i am or not and go from there. i know i could get my act into shape and really change myself if it came down to it.
hey what\'s the go with the weight belt? sorry if that sounds harsh... but .... i\'m really glad you got your loan stuff sorted - that\'s one less thing to have to deal with. must feel like a great relief.
The weight belt concerned me also. How much does it weigh? It\'s awesome that you are so aware as to what\'s going on for you. It\'s better to be conscious with ED than unconcious...I hope you have an amazing day! xoxoxoxoxox
as for not getting your period, do you think it could be from something else? i\'m not saying that to be rude, but if you\'re not concerned about it now, you may end up with osteoporosis later on (as i\'m sure you\'re aware of) and maybe taking birth control will help keep the medical stuff away and you get to keep not having your period....just a thought.
i\'m glad you can admit that you are stuck in a rut, and have no intention on getting out of that rut. good for you for at least knowing where you stand in all of this!
the weight belt is gonna come back to bite you in the ass, but we both know that, right!?
i\'m sorry your dad is still being an ass. maybe tell him how you feel about it.
love ya girl!
What? You aren\'t fat. And fuck what anyone says on here, this is your online journal, and you are nice enough to share it with all of us who do suffer also, so maybe we can gain a friend or learn a thing or two about ourselves. That\'s you wanted acceptance talk.. I accept you, just keep being you!
I would honestly cry if you were ever hurt because of your ED, so... I know your are really smart with it because I also have been living with it for so long. I just care about you! Keep in touch with me if you ever feel really bad, ok? Or else i\'ll kick your skinny ass lol...
When you are ready, you\'ll be ready to face more. Right now, you just want to be alone. Fine... This happens to me too... We have to take one day at a time right? Having a ED is like having another full-time job!