well orientation is tomorrow....so after my therapy appointment i hit the mall for something new to wear.....i bought a new shirt at abercrombie (the kids one)....who was the evil person who thought to make the clothes at the kids store so much cheaper than at the adult one? keeps me shopping there....i feel like such a fatass buying a large....but its a kids store! and i know that that is just ED screaming at me.....well the shirt i bought accentuates my little waist and my big boobs.....bring on the college boys!i totally told my therapist about my amnesia theory.....and she actually thinks that if one with an ED were to get amnesia that they would probably forget that they had an ED....she actually was surprised and taken aback when i asked her about this.....she was like "i have never thought about that b4".......i think that i never cease to amaze this woman.......i am now seriously considering paying people to hit me in the head in hopes of getting amnesia........ we also talked about how i feel as though i dont deserve things......because i am not the best, the smartest, the fastest, the most agile, the most athletic, the funniest, the kindest........whatever it may be, there is always somebody better than me at it........so i in turn do not think that i deserve food.......because it seems that i grew up feeling that i didnt deserve things.......i will never tell him this but.... my father made me feel like this......thanks for making me feel worth it dad! ok now i feel as though i am pointing the finger at my father trying to blame him for my illness.......i dont like to do this....so i instead choose to blame myself and only myself....it is my fault......i know that i wont get mad at me if i blame it on me.........i am totally excited that i am getting on the computer everyday to post my journal entries....i dont know how long this can go on until my sister gives me competition for the computer.......i think that once she is all unpacked, she will be on more.......im just keeping my fingers crossed that i can keep coming on everyday....all of the support i receive on here is sometimes what drives me to keep going and to keep trying to get better....it sometimes seems that u guys are the only ones in the world who still think that i can beat this thing.......it kind of hurts when ur own father refuses to attend family therapy sessions anymore because he has indeed given up on me and sees these sessions as a waste of his time........so from the bottom of my heart....thank u......for being here for me....and most importantly for not giving up on me! i love u guys!
Replies
hey i totally relate to your entry. of course we don\'t feel deserving and i also have issues w/ my father/ hang in there!
I\'ll never give up on you silly. I watched a documentary on youtube about children with eating disorders and the lady who started the home where they were filming at said that as long as you continue to have faith and hope in someone with an eating disorder they will get better...
yuu aree the best hun..at being yuurself.
i know it sounds cheesy but itts truee.yuu are.
and yurr an amazing person in so many ways.
good luckk at the college thingg..hopee yu cee cutee boyss =)
I blamed United Airlines for my ED. Making me get on the scale and making me feel like a cow, but even though I signed up for it knowing full well what the rules were, I didn\'t know how it would spark up my anorexia until much later on.
I don\'t shop at the kids section anymore. I don\'t shop anymore at all. I\'m holding out until I gain more weight, even though it is cheaper I\'ll just be throwing it out when I get my weight up.
Glad you\'re talking it out in therapy. We\'re so lucky to have therapists when so many of us suffering can\'t afford it. At least we all have each other. XOXOXO
Good luck today at orientation. I am really excited for you. A large in the kids section is small, remember that. You are not fat by any means. You can do this and you do deserve it. There is always going to be someone better than all of us at something, but no one will have the same unique qualities that make you who you are.
Thanks for your support. I am doing really well.
u are such a sweet girl, ur always giving support to others and u really deserve to be happy. good luck girl, ur awesome!
you keep saying that i\'m killing myself.
girl, i\'ve never shopped in the kids department EVER.
keep this up and you won\'t make it.
i know it and you know it. (i know it for myself as well)
you seem to want to live a happy life and life is calling....GO OUT AND GET IT, but don\'t kill yourself in the process. what\'s so great about kids store shopping and college guys when your dead?