i have all of these thoughts welled up inside of my head....and i NEED to get them out! here i go.......1) i think there was some confusion on my last entry...i am in no way shape or form giving splenda up.....i love it too much....i am just going to stop eating it straight out of the packets all of the time2) i let ED lie to me all of the time...but at least i have come to realize when he is lying.......i was reading skinnygirls journal yesterday and she said that she never cared to salad dressing so she wouldnt want it even if she didnt have an ED....i so say this to myself all of the time.......so i think that it IS an ED thing....and i think that without ED we ALL would use salad dressing cuz it is the normal thing to do3) i keep waiting for someone or some event to fix me......at first it was a bf....but that hasnt been the magical cure.......then it was perhaps my sister moving back in......but im not gonna hold my breath for this to cure me.....then i was reading skinnygirls journal and she said that she went out for ice cream because she didnt wanna deny her children just because of her disorder.....and i caught myself thinking today that maybe adopting a child in the future would be the answer for me.......but then i caught myself....NO ONE else and NO certain event is going to cure me.......recovery is going to be a long journey made up of many events that is traveled by ME 4) i HATE being tall......just because being tall means that my body needs more cals then someone shorter would need......more cals means more food....blah!....and also, not being able to wear heels sucks!5) lately ive been monitoring my thoughts trying to keep my mind on stuff that someone my age should be thinking about....god if people could read my mind....i would be so embarassed....because alot of it has to do with ED....so lately ive been obsessing about not obsessing about food.......so in obsessing about not obsessing....i have in retro spect been obsessing about the very thing i dont wanna obsess about.......cuz when u try not to obsess about something u try not to think about it....but u need to know what it is so that u dont obsess about it....so then u think about it......and shit....the cycle continues.....get it? good would someone explain it to me¿?¿? lol6) i think that i take in more cals then i would like to admit....via of course splenda....which scares me cuz maybe my metabolism isnt as fucked as i had hoped....cuz if it were messed up then i could live on less cals.......but i dont think its too messed up.......if i gave up splenda altogether.......i would drop weight like nobody's business....cuz i know i wouldnt be able to add more food on.........well enough food to compensate........7) another thought ED feeds me.......i am not as bad as everyone else on here....i dont throw up, obsessively exercise (anymore), not eat for 24 hrs straight, and i dont do laxatives and diet pills.......i know this thought is bunk.....i am bad off in my disorder....i went into the hospital inpatient and stayed 40 days in a 17 day program.....so ED cannot downplay his presence anymore! i wont let him! (isnt it funny how we r mostly girls on here and we all pretty much refer to our EDs as he?.....i havent seen anyone refer to them as she......just an observation)8) lately, i have been REALLY worried that i am gonna come on here and not have any hugs, and no comments in my journal.......my mind tells me that unless i do something big...something inspirational........or say the right words.....or sell myself to u guys somehow.......that u will get bored and just leave me and my journal all to our lonesomes.......9) this is just a wee little peek into my mind........scared yet?........one last thing.....i am so thankful for all of u on this site who pay me any of their time at all......i dont feel worth it....but seeing that u guys see me worthy......then i think that this is another negative and untrue thought that ED has been feeding me in food's abscence.........just maybe i am worth itfood note (instead of foot note! get it? hahaha my wittyness gets me every time!!!) i have upped again!!! its hard......but i NEED to do this......i keep telling myself that if my weight jumps up and i get uncomfortable that i know how to lose it.......but rationally i know that NO ONE could gain weight on the amount i am consuming....well the amount not including splenda cals lol
Replies
I will always read your journal. and I will give you hugs everyday im on here if you want. You dont have to worry about that friend!
i worry too thatt ppl wouldnt read my journals or stuff likke that..but dont worry,i thinkk ppl lovee to read yuurs.
personally..i thinkk yuu could usee alittle more than just splenda hun...it has a tinyyyy bitt of cals in it..soo try and slipp in alittle something extra...
All the things you just wrote are the things that are in my head. Your #2,3,6,8, and especially #7 are what have been going through my mind for the last few weeks. I will always read your journal and give you hugs. We think alike!!!
Stop worrying so much. People on this website care. You don\'t have to do anything. People hug you and comment on your entries because you are a great person and you DO deserve it. Eating Disorders are so hard. I am on the opposite end of the spectrum from eating too much. But, I can still relate. We both have so much to be thankful for. We have to realize that and not take everything for granted. There are so many people on this website. I sometimes feel like a bad person because they are further engulfed in it than I am. Stop feeling like that. We all deserve help!
I always read your journals...I think you are a witty, interesting person and I care about you as a friend. I\'m so thankful for this website too. It\'s kinda like a therapist for me and it\'s nice to know people care. Congrats on upping your calories. Hugs!
hey i am very glad u let this out of your head. that helps fight ed in some way letting it all out. hugs to u and u ARE worth it. we all are.
-i know i need to find different friends..but i just hate walking away from people. annd i just don\'t know where to look for others.
-what you said about ED is true..very true. i dont really know what else to say about it, you\'re right on the dot with your explanation.
-and you\'re lucky you\'re tall. loli\'m only 5\'6 and i would love to be at least 5\'8..i wear heels all the time, but that doesn\'t help too much, besides make me look sexy ;] but don\'t let you\'re height take away from wearing heels. just excentuate the fact that you\'re tall even more!da cals! because the calorie count is SO low, even though it isn\'t completly calorie free.
-and congrats on gaining some weight back. i know it can be really hard at times. but just keep pushing yourself, not too hard to where you get uncomfortable and scared, but just a gentle push. you\'ll be just fine
Hey, I love that you called your ED He, that was perfect. Youre right on when you say youre gonna be your own hero. Girl dont stress on whether youer interesting or not, youre human, you live, you have opinions youre interesting. I have major self esteem issues too, wouldnt want everyone hearing my thoughts (but who would), and its just something that comes from fretting over an ED. It is also something I have to believe can change.
Honey, I\'m always here for you!! Any time you need to vent, I\'m ready to listen. I\'m praying for you daily, and hope things go better for you with each day. Hugs~Stephanie
I related to everything too. Especially about obsessing about obsessing. I do that all the time. I\'m four inches taller than my husband so I never wear heels, unless I\'m at work. I\'m also self-conscious about my height. Then I see celebrity couples where the woman is taller, and they look happy, so I think what am I worrying about? XOXOXOXO
By looking at all the responses you got for this entry, I think you have nothing to worry about. No one or event is going to cure. It\'s something you have to do yourself. Others can help though. My kids get me to eat things and go places I probably wouldn\'t if I was a single girl. I hate to say this, but sometimes I feel that if I didn\'t have kids, I wouldn\'t have relapsed, since I relapsed during my second pregnancy, as you already know.
I agree with you on #7. I know I am bad off in my disorder, but when I read about what other people are going through, it makes me think I am just fine.
I know it\'s the normal thing to like salad dressing, but I really don\'t like it. I was just raised that way. My dad made lots of salads when I was a kid, but he would only put vinegar on them, never salad dressing.
By the way, I consider my ED a she. But I have noticed that I seem to be the only one on here that does.
Hey my ED is a man too...Thats really weird that everyone else\'s is too..I always wondered about that...why do you think that it is that way?
hunny splenda doesnt have any calories in it! everyone knows that! good luck girl ur doing good
missy i love u i seriously love coming on here and seeing wat u have to say! its funny cuz ive given up dif foods wen i find out they have more cals than i thought but there is no way i can give up splenda-i think we both know how deep our love for that stuff goes! good luck with stopping with the packets!
i also let ED lie to me...i rem the first time i went to the RD, it was 2 yrs ago and ED had been with me for 6 yrs and she asked wat foods i dont like and i start listing off a whole bunch and shes like \"no i dont mean wat u dont let urself eat\" and that was prob the hardest part-having to fig out wat food i actually liked and start eating them again..that was wen i was doing well in recovery tho.
i also think i take in more than i admit to myself, for me its from splenda and very often ketchup also wen i let myself have it but i like to think that maybe by not forcing myself to calculate that into my daily cals maybe im not so sick cuz im letting myself eat those extra cals, and that sorta connects to me thinking the same as #7-ive never been in a program, just outpatient treatment, i binge but dont purge, i stopped the diet pills and laxatives, and am i really that underweight cuz i think im shorter than i think so maybe i can weigh less??
and #8-i think we can all prob relate to this, worrying if we wont find support in a support group ya know? but it doesnt matter if ur writing something big and inspirational or if ur telling us the color of ur kitchen walls, ppl care and want to hear abt it! i love u missy!!