i seem to be in a funk...im like in depression mode or something...people are noticing....o well....some days i can pretend to be happy and smile for the world...but then when im by myself and do not have to put on a show...i can let myself frown
when i am like this i tend to reflect on the past...a thought came to me today...i remember when i was 14 yrs old...i ate a piece of turtle cheesecake...and then upon seeing how many calories were in it...went upstairs...went into the bathroom....got down on my knees...and shoved my finger down my throat...i gagged but i thank god to this day that on that day it didnt work...i can only imagine where i would be today if i had been able to throw up that day...would i be dealing with bulimia rather than anorexia? would i be dead? and wtf would possess a 14 yr old to do that?!?! and i also wonder y it wasnt until 2 yrs after that that i developed my anorexia....hmmmmm
i also havent been sleeping very well...ive been having disturbing dreams...and i keep having the same scenario in each one...there r different people in all of the dreams...well besides me...but the instances are the same...i dont know y these keep happening...i find myself wondering if i have blocked out memories....but i dont think that is possible...i would have remembered something terrible happening to me.....im sure i would have...so maybe these dreams are just coincidence......
when i am like this i tend to reflect on the past...a thought came to me today...i remember when i was 14 yrs old...i ate a piece of turtle cheesecake...and then upon seeing how many calories were in it...went upstairs...went into the bathroom....got down on my knees...and shoved my finger down my throat...i gagged but i thank god to this day that on that day it didnt work...i can only imagine where i would be today if i had been able to throw up that day...would i be dealing with bulimia rather than anorexia? would i be dead? and wtf would possess a 14 yr old to do that?!?! and i also wonder y it wasnt until 2 yrs after that that i developed my anorexia....hmmmmm
i also havent been sleeping very well...ive been having disturbing dreams...and i keep having the same scenario in each one...there r different people in all of the dreams...well besides me...but the instances are the same...i dont know y these keep happening...i find myself wondering if i have blocked out memories....but i dont think that is possible...i would have remembered something terrible happening to me.....im sure i would have...so maybe these dreams are just coincidence......
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Some days you just have to sit with the pain and take it all in. Only time will tell what\'s going on.
Some days you just have to sit with the pain and take it all in. Only time will tell what\'s going on.
It sucks how life always have to bring back the past :( Stay stong. One day at a time, thats how it goes. I\'m thinking of you :) How you feel better soon.
Steph
(hope)
i sometimes think that!!that something bad has happened but u dont rememner it happening but u feel there is something at the back of ur mind!(i think thats what u ment!!)anyway if u wana chat im ALWAYS HERE!!!xxx
I have horrible vivid dreams at times, but I know not to take them literally. Usually your dreams are trying to tell you something other than the obvious. I hope you feel better soon. Hugs!
hi there...mine started as anorexia then went to bul. as for the dreams,i don\'t know. talk to your therapist maybe about how u are feeling? sometimes we block things out and then they resurface. i myself have been told i have signs of stuff but do not remember anything happening. i hope u feel better. let me know if u need something.
I understand how you feel.Some days I just feel so empty and can not smile but I fake it a lot in front of people.I do remember something horrible that happened when I was 11yr. old.I wish I did not.It changed my life and not for the better.I also remember the day my eating disorder began,then I thought recently maybe I had gotten past it,but no here lately it is worse than ever.About dreams I do think some of them mean something.Its just hard to figure them out sometimes.
Its hard but quite reflective, to think about the years, and when and maybe how and why the ED developed, I know personally how mine developed. My brother and grandparents told me i was fat, as well as the dr, then i started dieting, and then got bullied for being fat, and in highschool i started starving myself, counting calories and did heaps of exericise and thats when the ED really started. Take care and hugggs