I am so TIRED!!!.....mentally...well physically to but that is to be expected...
I am so sick of seeing everyday as a burden and as something to get through....
I want to be able to wake up in the mornings excited because it's a new day...and happy that I am breathing...I don't wanna sleep in because then I don't have as much of a day to get through...I wanna get up early so that I have more of a day to enjoy....
What is it going to take to get me to this point? ED is holding me back...I just know it
I don't want to live my life without actually living it! I hate this...I am missing out on what life is all about....I can see it now...my funeral...when someone speaks they will say "well melissa got out of bed everyday...and umm she was thin" I don't want this speech........I want something like "Melissa lived life to the fullest, she enjoyed every second, every breath, and every experience...she was brave, smart, easy going, adventurous......not only did she get out of bed everyday...but each and every day brought with it new and random happenings....there was not a moment when she was alive that she was not grateful that her heart was still beating...she will be greatly missed".......I like the second speech much better...well they could add she was thin in there if they want...but if not then im O K with that ...cuz I want to be so much more than skinny....
I am so sick of seeing everyday as a burden and as something to get through....
I want to be able to wake up in the mornings excited because it's a new day...and happy that I am breathing...I don't wanna sleep in because then I don't have as much of a day to get through...I wanna get up early so that I have more of a day to enjoy....
What is it going to take to get me to this point? ED is holding me back...I just know it
I don't want to live my life without actually living it! I hate this...I am missing out on what life is all about....I can see it now...my funeral...when someone speaks they will say "well melissa got out of bed everyday...and umm she was thin" I don't want this speech........I want something like "Melissa lived life to the fullest, she enjoyed every second, every breath, and every experience...she was brave, smart, easy going, adventurous......not only did she get out of bed everyday...but each and every day brought with it new and random happenings....there was not a moment when she was alive that she was not grateful that her heart was still beating...she will be greatly missed".......I like the second speech much better...well they could add she was thin in there if they want...but if not then im O K with that ...cuz I want to be so much more than skinny....
Replies
You are so much more than skinny.Your a great person and a wonderful friend.I\'m lucky to know you.You have been here for me and I\'m thankful.
I agree with Jess. There\'s more to you than being tired,skinny,etc. You are a bright, wonderful person,and a great and caring friend to many here. I praise Jesus every day that I have friends like you in my life.
Keep your head high.You are awonderful person.I always like to read what you write,You make me smile...Thanks!!
I agree with you totally! I thought the very same thing while going through my great grams funeral.... I guess the 1st step of waiting to get better is accomplished, now it\'s actually doing it! We are going to get through it :)
I started with anorexia that turned into bulimia. The truth is, that if we do not fight hard enought, we will never win. I was at that point in my life too, when I wanted to die, thought about my funeral, imagining what people would say or do. But it is all feeling sorry for yourself. I know it sounds harsh, but I was there too, I know how it is. I am still fighting bulimia, and recently I have been loosing a battle a little bit. But I will not feel sorry for myself. I know I can beat it. I know you can do it too. Do not cry, do not expect everyone around you to pity you. We are not the center of the universe. Get up. Wake up. Do something better than thinking about anorexia. It is just state of your mind, and you have to reroute your thinking. But you really have to want it. Do not be afraid of food and a few pounds. I look at my pictures when I was skin and bones and realize how discousting I looked. Now I weight 20 pounds more, I am not happy about it, but I refuse to let the disease to lead my life. That is it!! you can do it too.
im not asking people to pity me!!! thank u ...u have made me feel like crap about myself now! i feel selfish....
I relate completely! I always imagine my funeral, and I feel like all they will say is.... Megan lived a great life...she had a boyfriend that left her back in college, and from then on she was unable to do anything to bring her happiness, and she was nuerotically obsessed with this man with for the rest of her days. Sweet speech right. That\'s not you though. You sing in the car at stoplights. You do live life to the fullest, when you can. Soon that part of you will take over.
Man, I agree. I wish that I wasn\'t so exhausted all the time and that people would be able to say that about me.
The fact that you are aware of your ED is strong. Now you just need the tools so that you are able to wake up early, and do the things you speak of! I think you are doing those things. I know i\'m not there with you, but you are like me where we just have moments where we need to just vent out! Because sometimes it does get in the way.. Neil and I went to buy ice cream last night, and it took us 30 minutes to find the damn ice cream because I had to check to see which one was fat-free, and the best choice and so forth! lol.. man... I like the list you wrote in your journal above, I am actually going to go write on out myself because I don\'t really think about those things to much because I always feel like i\'m going to end up failing, and it\'s just a stupid paranoid obsessive cycle I go through. Anyways.. I talk so much, but I mean well lol..
You rock!
I totally know where your comming from as I too have in my head have thought about my own my funeral but reality bites and no doesn\'t matter to the world if we pull ourselves out of bed each morning- life will go on! Some time I wish I had the ability to stop life just for a while so I can have a break from it all and catch up to the rest of the world!