well ive been trying all i can to get alot of my school work done...but i feel that by sitting here and doing my school work that i am lazy because im not up walking around and being physical...this affects my eating because i feel as though i do not need anything since i didnt like move all day...my fucked up mind has pretty much equivalated (is that a word?) the weight college students put on to sitting in front of the computer all of the time or reading their books rather than doing any sort of physical activity...i know i know that in truth it is probably the fried food, pizza, and beer that does them in but still my ED has pretty much convinced me otherwise....i wish i had someone to go on a walk wiht at the moment....but i need need need to get this work done...im at my sister's house because i like her cable internet (so much faster) and im contemplating on whether or not i should show up at home for dinner....i know that me not being there strains family ties...but i also feel that me being present also strains the family ties because i usually cannot fathom eating anything they put on the table...tonight it's spaghetti and i know know know that i cannot do pasta....my therapist has told my parents that they are not to comment on my ED eating anymore because this jsut makes my ED feel that i need more control over htem and that i need to win...but even though they dont say anything i know they are thinking it and that they talk about it later amongst htemselves....o yea..i went to bingo last night with my mom and we sat with this woman who i am so close to (she is like the grandma i never felt i had)...and when i got up to empty the garbage can i heard my mom saying to her..."she is just managing to cling to the lowest level of health to keep herself out of treatment...she's not stupid..she knows how to maintain the lowest number she possibly can"....and sat down and immediately said..."mom im not deaf and i would appreciate it if u would not talk about me behind my back" and she said "well she wanted to know how ur doing so y dont u tell her how ur doing" where i shot back wiht "y should i tell her? sounds like u just did"....sorry about the play by play but this kind of talking about me behind my back makes me paranoid and pisses me off royally...i yet again thank anyone who reads this enormously long entry.......