i am new to this site......and i have never been very good at journaling...so we'll see how this goes..my father and i havent spoken in 2 days...i think he is stressing out over my anorexia....i mainly only consume veggies and coffee....and a shit load of splenda and equal.....i swear if they ever find out that the stuff causes cancer...i will be the first to drop dead....my mom on the other hand is a bit more understanding of my condition...and there is only so much someone can take...and its been a long long trek...but at least they dont have to live inside my head like i do right? they dont know the pain and suffering that i go through everyday of my life! some days i wonder y i even bothered to get out of bed! most days it's hard to shake the thoughts that i am a lazy fat pig who doesnt need or deserve food! i know that i am underweight but since i weigh a little more than i did back in october due to gaining weight in the hospital (a good amount of this i have lost upon getting out)i think that i look normal.....i just want to be normal and happy.....i look at other people who seem to have it all together and i wonder how come they r so good at life while i seem to suck so badly at it? i try to look like i have it together and for those who dont know about my problem i think i fool most of them into thinking i have it all......but looking the part and actually obtaining it r 2 very different things......im a good pretender but i want to really really have it all together and be truely happy and not have to worry about food and keeping a low weight every waking moment of my life! im even starting to dream about my ED......the other night i dreamt i drank a 2 liter of soda and discovered upon finishing it that i was regular and not diet.....i was freaking out in my dream when i discovered this! when i woke up i was so relieved that it was only a dream......i guess there really is no rest for the weary is there?