well tonight he has his x-mas party.  Do u know he still wanted me to go with him?I was like ummm .. no thank u..  I dont know if I wrote down in another post or not... but my office x-mas party was last weekend... well I went alone.. cause I didnt want him with me..  1st because he is already so jealous of the guys I work with.. great bunch of guys all married.. (well really the guy would be jealous of a 90 year old who would wink at me) :)   2nd.. I didnt want him following me around all night..  3rd... hmm well I just didnt want to have to deal with him.. and I wanted to have fun.. that night.. sooooo    4th.... the guys at work.. well a couple of them  know whats going on and ... sooooo do not like him... with them seeing the shit that they have to see day and night after night..arresting shit bags like him every night.. they just want to protect me and keep me safe... and well they just cant... I have to finally stand on my two feet and start standing up for myself.  (they do tell me though, when and if we part ways... that he is free game, which I guess is and isnt good news).. I mean... maybe it would finally be enough to make the guy want to get help for his ways and see that he has a problem.. getting thrown in jail.  would be a little embarrassing to me.. since I work there.. but I could deal.     5th... I got blamed last year ..when we left the x-mas party last year, that I was having a affair with one the Investigators, who I talked to maybe 10 min TOTAL all night .. him and his wife were wearing MATCHING sweaters that night.. I mean shit if that doesnt TELL U right there that the man is in love I dont know what will :)  give me a break.. wth would I want to add another guy to my life.. when I cant handle the jackass I am married to?  jesus Well.. he is gone... at his company x mas party.. so I get a stress free NIGHT  who hooo.. until he decides to come home that is... probably drunk and wanting a little WHICH he is SOOOOOO not getting... I havent slept with him since Oct.....I just cant.. I am emotionally just not "there" with him.. and for me.. to not feel like a "plaything" I need to feel something u know?  Just because he is my husband doesnt mean he has the rights to my body (believe ME he IS NOT HAPPY about this decision...My GOD.. you would think his "thing" is gonna fall off :) HA the way he acts when I tell him no, He isnt very happy about that.. but I dont want to be his pretty doll on display tonight for all of his friends.  and I know if I go... thats what it will be.. is me on display for him to show off to his friends.. and I just cant handle that right now.. I cant handle.. him leaving me to sit in the corner....cant handle having to be pasted to his side all night.. silently.. not talking because I dont know anyone, and just listening to his stupid talk.  It makes me sad that ... thats all I am ...  I have soo much more inside to offer someone...  I am not just a pretty gal with nothing upstairs u know... and given half the chance I could and would prove that to someone.  The night he held me down by the shoulders .. he was drunk and I had a kidney stone.. he was trying to get a little... well the inner bad ass in me.. came out.. and I kicked his ass off of me... I sat up in bed.. and he tried again.. so I kicked the ass again and he was soooo damn drunk (which is funny to me how the hell did he think he was gonna get it up anyways) and he stumbled and fell against the wall...  well then I knew I was in trouble.. but shit... had to stick up for myself right?  so tried calling my dad.. to come and get him the hell out of the house (what I should of called is one of the deputies I work with to get him the fuck out)  (they would of had fun with him)  and he heard me dialing.. and came and broke my damn cell phone in half..NO SHIT.. took it and broke it right in half (the shithead)..  We turned off our landline..cause it was getting to expensive.. so then....I think he realized what he did... cause then he started yelling.. "you made me.. you made me do it.."   I just sat there and cried COULD not believe he just broke my god damn phone in half.. .. so I was like screw this shit.. I am leaving.. soo got off the bed.. so he proceeded to flip the mattress over...  what a ass..  so I knew I couldnt leave my girls there alone with him.. so when he went out to the couch to pass out.. I proceeded to lift this damn mattress off the floor (WITH A KIDNEY STONE) yep I know I am tough :)  I mean seriously I am 125 pounds.. and I hurt.. but I did it... the next day I told him... while he was gone ice fishing me and the girls would be moved out.... well of COURSE.. when he came back he talked me into staying.. that he promised he would stop drinking and blah blah blah   you know the same ole story