This is a narrative... where I wrote it before making plans to go to a family wedding.   He got mad at me, and told me he wouldnt go with me... to go alone soooo I did. (this is the beginning of me.. standing up against him, and beginning to buck his sytem a little bit)  He didnt/doesnt like it. I know if I go.. I am in trouble... I know if I dont go.. its what he wants..  he likes keeping me isolated... and he will be mean to me anyways if I stay home..  PLUS I will get hell from my family... My sister is coming down and spending the night..  .... thats what I mean about the guilt trip thing/emotional abuse.. he knows I sit there and question myself, and usually just end not going just to make him happy... and keep the peace ughh .. Hate that shit... my tummy hurts.. just from the stress of all the shit I have to put up with all the damn time..  (I always promised myself growing up that I would never "lose control") with alcohol  that I would never try drugs...  Because I grew up with it..  and I promised myself my kids wouldnt grow up like that..  So .. I mean yah, I dont drink alot.. .have never tried drugs.. so when he says shit like that .. of course I fight back.. which just eggs him on more...  which isnt good.. cause that when the bad shit happens..  but I cant help it..  I do have fight left you know.. and I hate him talking to me like that..  I cant just sit there and let him talk to me like that and hell next weekend is gonna be the same damn shit..  I will be home where he wants me friday night... and Sat... I want to go out.. he supposed to work all day and all day sunday.. and most likely after work sat he will stay whereever he is and drink...  why the hell should I stay home? sick of staying home...  I am 33 years old.. I want to have fun.. I want to go out with my friends..... Does that mean I am gonna go find a random guy at the bar.. hell no.. ...hell no.. I am sooo fucking sick of guys   If he doesnt go out next sat night.. will I get blamed and yelled at..?  yah no question about it.. I know I will..  and thats why he has the control..  Usually, I make plans a week ahead of time.. and over that course of the week.. he works me... he works the emotional abuse thing.. to where up until I leave I am almost sick to my stomach.. I have no fun.. and he calls 6 times while I am gone.. then he doesnt talk to me for three days..  ughh .. god just talking about it.. make me want to puke.....  So now tonight.. watch I will get ready.. get all cute.. and either He wont come home, so I cant go.. or he will come home, tell me I look like a slut or a whore