8 yrs of Muscle memory, I love and miss my son Ryan more and more everyday!!!!

How it was for me at the beginning of the grieving process of my Beautiful son Ryan!! 8yrs of practice one day at a time, one moment, each hour to one day at a time, it is a daily reprieve...IT TOOK ME A LONG TIME TO DO "ONE DAY AT A TIME" It works!!!!!!
After losing a child is the most devastating excruciating pain ever, anything said from people is the start of the grieving process, it may help us or make us angry, at the beginning stages No words make sense, its been 8 yrs for me of the loss of my son Ryan and it takes one day at a time of hardcore pain, then as time passes we only can see how far we have come.... Nothing heals the pain, it just takes a lot of work which is extremely exhausting to cope and have the tools laid at our feet so we can pick up and use them..It take a lot of muscle memory, 8 yrs of muscle memory for me, basically that takes yrs to create.. I noticed when I came to terms with how much physical strength I lost from the excruciating pain of grieving the loss of my 1st and only son Ryan at 18 yrs old..I wanted to die at 1st...I didn't understand what I didn't understand.. I physically had to save myself first before I could think in any kind of positive thoughts ( Positive thinking how is it possible to do that after losing a child)?? Well I found I had to pray to my higher power every single day to help keep me spiritually fit..)Which comes and goes) I had to learn to focus, which I have ADD, its hard but I had to turn my life over to God for his help, I CAN"T CONTROL any of it!!! Trust and rely on God, (I hated God at 1st for a long time)..So I found if I don't put God back into my life I wasn't going to make it... I had to focus to save my life, I would contently say please God/ Ryan please help me, I need your HELP!! Eventually slow by slow I felt a uplift, I would hear the whispers in my head to walked every day then I noticed my body feeling stronger my mind, soul and body were working together, then I started to think more Positive, OK, WOW!!! I can live and build MUSCLE MEMORY...Thank You God and all these moms who have helped me... The thing is if people places and things get in OUR way my focus forgets what I am doing, so when I'm practicing it helps me pick myself back up to keep yourself strong..Muscle memory!!!! It is a Spiritual Physical and mental daily reprieve ... FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS!!!!! ON OURSHELVES, it is how I got to where I am today... At times we will lose that focus and fall back into sad and painful agony again, This is our NORMAL and I found it is all about Focus on how we keep ourselves strong...#1 Spiritually.Every day I ask God/Ryan (my own choice of my higher power to help me get through another day) #2 Physically, I work even if its for 10 minutes, after 10 minutes our bodies want to continue on, I usually do 30 minutes to an hour, Not everyday I go in spurts, lol . #3 Mentally, as I do THIS in order 1,2 the 3. Our Mental will automatically become Stronger, MUSCLE MEMORY!!!!!!! Muscle memory will help our focus and automatically intuitively know how to pick ourselves up.... I hope this gives the newest moms Hope and Faith this will be you someday.. If we STOP working this on a daily basis 1, 2, and 3, it will prolong your Grieving process.... TRUST ME, IT TOOK ME A FEW YEARS BEFORE I DID THIS, AND I THOUGHT I WAS DOOMED!!! I TRY to do this on a daily basis and I have a relationship with my Ryan and our heavenly God as it says in the Promises!!! The prayer!!!!!!!!!! XO
PS, No-one is perfect, I go up and down all the time, BUT I use my tools when I feel like I am going backwards, Then I go back to my higher power, I'm not Religous at all, I am Protison,(sp) I have aways felt that there was something out there as I looked out the widow at school, LOL, and always have but I could never explain how I felt... It is a feeling. Once I try to explain my theory of a higher power I LOSE!!! Love to all YOU SWETEST MOMS EVER!!!!!!!!!!! XO
Kelly