8/7/2013
Sigh (damndamdamdam) He called last night. I didnt answer and he didnt leave a message. He came by the office today-first time I have seen him in a month. First contact in over 2 weeks. Reason: to tell me I had gotten some bills from the college at the house. Could have written the forward address on them-didn't. And even though he came to tell me about them, he didnt bring them with him. Told him i would contact the powers that be and find out what it is cause I shouldnt have any school bills. I've been out over 20 years. He said well let him know and if I need, he will open them to tell me what it is. Said a few times that he had tried to call me. Asked me what was the best way to get in touch with me. Seemed a bit concerned that he could not get in touch with me. Yes, my heart did flips. Yes, he's still my Kryptonite. My therapist thinks he's never going to totally let go of me. Yes, I still love him-I don't think I will ever be able to stop....damdamdamdam--i'm dumber than dirt......and have the backbone of mushy spaghetti...
Replies
No you are not dumb. You are a warm, sensitive, caring woman. Newsflash. I still care for people that hurt me. But caring for them does not mean that you have to have them in your life. I will not hold a grudge, but I will not put myself in their line of fire ever again. They are human being and you try to treat them with respect. Right now you are confused. Just sit down and relax.
I think knuckle said this best. You can\'t help who you like but you can control whether you see them or not. This too shall pass in time.
Amen knuckle! Jaclyn, you are a strong woman and caring for someone does not make you weak or dumb...I get the same way when my ex calls or texts as I haven\'t seen her in over a month. Still makes me feel anxious and sometimes hopeful even though I know that there is no way I would even try to reconcile at this point. Too little, too late? As far as the spaghetti backbone...(lol, love that one)...you didn\'t go to him and you stayed your ground so perhaps you can give yourself a little more credit. Doesn\'t matter so much how we feel but what we do with what we feel. I think you are doing great!
Thanks guys. I had my therapy session this morning and we talked about the bout of depression I had lately in spite of meds and therapy. I was just starting to get back to myself. But we discussed that I am just so tired of swimming upstream, tired of thinking about him, tired of fighting how I feel about him, tired of dealing with all this, tired of talking about it and that right now I just want to float for awhile and not have to deal with my emotions and thoughts. Ah well, good luck with that, now LOL. I think I may be trying to force myself thru this too fast and then getting bogged down because I cant seem to get to a point where I am indifferent to him. All I can do is what I can do. I have to be satisfied with that.