8/24/2013
DAMN DAMN DAMN. Did it again. He called. I didn't know the phone rang, so it was an hour before I knew he'd called. I meant to push the button to see if he left a message. Instead I pushed the button to return his call. He wanted me to come over so he could show me something. My radar was ringing off the wall, but I ignored it and went. He showed me this project he'd built and it really was amazing, though I wasn't sure at first why it was important to him for me to see it. We talked awhile. I got up to leave. he came over and started kissing me...I told him I thought he didn't want us to do that anymore (the last time he ended up apologizing to me later) and he said he had never said that. Sooo, did it again...Damn. So pissed off at myself. Yelled at myself and called myself names all the way home. Why did I return his call when I'd been ignoring his calls? Why did I go over there? Why do I keep letting him use me this way? I don't have low self esteem so I know it's not that. I just have never never been able to tell him no-which is how I ended up in this mess 25 years ago! What is it gonna take for me to stop doing this? Damn, I wish #4 would get her ass down here. I know he will not call once she is here. Town is too small for him to have an affair like this. And (hopefully) once they are married I will be able to tell him no if he calls. I've told other married men no. And it's not even about the sex...TMI but he has male issues he' is dealing with and I have female issues so it's not as if the sex is great or anything. for me, it's just the connection with him, being with him. I know I'm being used and I still do it. Now I'm thinking that the reason he didn't forward that mail to me or bring it with him to my office a couple weeks ago was because he wanted me to come over to the house and get it...I wondered at the time, but figured I was wrong. somebody chunk some bricks at my head and see if that helps.
Replies
I\'m tossing bricks in your direction. LOL Okay it happened now just start over with the no contact. Put do not call messages with his name on them to remind you not to call him all over the house. Put a do not visit note on the steering wheel of your car.
Eventually this will stop when you finally just get enough of him asking you to visit. I won\'t say using you because you got something out of that visit too. If he\'s calling your cell phone block him so he can\'t call. I know this isn\'t easy but you will finally do what needs to be done.
Thanks Trish. You are right. The first thing I have to do is bite the bullet and tell my therapist that this has been happening. I have not ever told her. I\'m gonna be in so much trouble! Then I need to do what I\'ve been saying I\'m gonna do and get back in church, meeting new people and making new friends. I think that will help. But you are right. I never call unless returning his calls, for awhile I wasn\'t even answering or replying ot his calls. At one time I had him blocked on my cell and email. Then I took it off. Need to put some steel in my spine, put my Wonder Woman outfit on, gird up my loins and take care of this situation. Now, where did I leave my Wonder Woman outfit.