8-21-14
The day after...23 years and 1 day after the most important event of my life...as I was told by so many grieving mothers...women I have mostly never met in person but are now my tribe, my best friends, my mentors, my teachers...the day itself was less emotional and less eventful than the days preceding it. We ordered 23 balloons and my sister and my husband accompanied me to the place where our Cassi's physical remains are preserved. I didn't even cry. I know she knew how I felt and I think she is not happy seeing me suffer so much. Sometime I don't have a choice and sometimes I can stabilize my emotions...so when I can, I do.
My husband took the whole week off from work to "baby-sit" me...my sister rearranged her schedule to drive the 4 hours to spend a few days with me, my mother is keeping a close watch. I am blessed...yet as grateful as I am, I would sacrifice all of them for her...to have her back. I would sacrifice anyone, everyone...I would sell my soul to Satan to have her back and I don't even believe in Satan. If anyone has doubts, let me assure you, there is no devil...when I could not get God to make a deal with me, I tried the other side. I got no response. I suppose this makes me sound very immoral, yet it isn't the time to sugar coat things. When Cassi d***, I knew, I just knew, I couldn't lie anymore, I couldn't be fake anymore...the only way to give her the honor she deserved was to live in total honesty. So there you go, I would spend eternity in hell to have my child back, I would trade everyone I know and love to have her back...sorry, just being honest. It doesn't work that way anyway...physically she is gone. Spiritually, I believe she is here, or there, or wherever she wants to be. It is my understanding that in the next life we are able to manifest anything we want immediately. Time and space do not exist as we know it...in our sadly inferior minds we are unable to comprehend how it works, but we can believe it does work. If I did not believe I would be reunited with my precious child I would not tolerate one more day of this pain I am in. I have hope, a lot of hope...and I have a belief that I am still here for important reasons and I have work to do. I believe that work somehow involves helping people with mental disorders and helping mothers who have unwillingly joined my tribe...If I can, and I believe I can, I want to soften their grief, even if I have to take it upon myself. I believe Cassi is proud of me...I believe it is how I am meant to honor Cassi...I believe this is why I have had this experience. I have learned so much, and have so much more to learn...but I believe I am on the right path, however painful it is.
My husband took the whole week off from work to "baby-sit" me...my sister rearranged her schedule to drive the 4 hours to spend a few days with me, my mother is keeping a close watch. I am blessed...yet as grateful as I am, I would sacrifice all of them for her...to have her back. I would sacrifice anyone, everyone...I would sell my soul to Satan to have her back and I don't even believe in Satan. If anyone has doubts, let me assure you, there is no devil...when I could not get God to make a deal with me, I tried the other side. I got no response. I suppose this makes me sound very immoral, yet it isn't the time to sugar coat things. When Cassi d***, I knew, I just knew, I couldn't lie anymore, I couldn't be fake anymore...the only way to give her the honor she deserved was to live in total honesty. So there you go, I would spend eternity in hell to have my child back, I would trade everyone I know and love to have her back...sorry, just being honest. It doesn't work that way anyway...physically she is gone. Spiritually, I believe she is here, or there, or wherever she wants to be. It is my understanding that in the next life we are able to manifest anything we want immediately. Time and space do not exist as we know it...in our sadly inferior minds we are unable to comprehend how it works, but we can believe it does work. If I did not believe I would be reunited with my precious child I would not tolerate one more day of this pain I am in. I have hope, a lot of hope...and I have a belief that I am still here for important reasons and I have work to do. I believe that work somehow involves helping people with mental disorders and helping mothers who have unwillingly joined my tribe...If I can, and I believe I can, I want to soften their grief, even if I have to take it upon myself. I believe Cassi is proud of me...I believe it is how I am meant to honor Cassi...I believe this is why I have had this experience. I have learned so much, and have so much more to learn...but I believe I am on the right path, however painful it is.
Replies
I know just what you mean and I am very sorry, too. Just putting one foot ahead of the other, is great bravery. Glad you came here to write and weep, another mother of this mourning tribe, Abby
Hello my sister in grief. I noticed that you couldn\'t write out the word d***. Me neither!!! I thought there was something wrong with me because it has been almost two years and I cannot say that word. It just seems to real and harsh. Maybe I don\'t want to face it, I don\'t know. All I knows is that I can\'t say that word out loud.
Hi Gina. I am so glad that the day was shared with loved ones. Cassi does indeed know how much you care.
I too believe that there is a reason that we are still here. I have been told and now believe that our children were here for a reason as well - and their purpose was accomplished. It ticks me right off; I hate it, but that is how I see it. Lisa did amazing things in her 37 years - good, bad, happy, sad.
It pains me tremendously to have to go on without her. I too would go to hell if it meant Lisa could be back.
I do believe that Cassi and Lisa are together and want us to be happy and accomplish our purpose here on earth.
Love and huge hugs,
Marlene
Abby is right, bravery is what we have as we continue on this journey!!! Peace to you, Kathy
Gentle hugs to you, my friend.
Yep! Said the same things myself! Many times! I wrote a journal once saying that as much as I love a appreciate all of you (the moms of FMO), I put every last one of you in a basket and send you straight to hell if I could just have Kala back. Of course what I know is we are all living our own \"hell\" right here, right now, as grieving mothers and there can be no worse hell to experience. But you certainly know what I mean....
I don\'t believe many of the things I used to believe....or let\'s just say, I know much more now that I\'m not in that little box I allowed my religion to put me in. The truth is much bigger, and much simpler.
Getting through these firsts are the hardest....for me they were anyhow. And yes, the dread of the day usually turned out to be much worse than the day itself. That is great knowledge to have with year two and three. After knowing this and experience this, it made my subsequent \"hard days\" a bit easier. I know I\'d survive them....because I had.
Cassi IS! Kala IS! OH the joy and strength this knowledge gives us!!! This is how we can, and why we must, go on with our own human experiences to the best of our ability!!
YOU have MUCH to offer your fellow companions in this part of life and you are and will continue to share your heart which is the greatest gift anyone can give. Your willingness to share your experiences and life lessons and trials and victories and successes and joys and hope and disappointments and failures and triumphs will encourage MANY to pick themselves up once again and just TRY.
Yes, you ARE on the right path!! Of this I have no doubt!!
Much love to you and Cassi from me and Kala!!!
\"Satan\" is one of many names given to the personification of Evil and yes, it does exist. To \"turn to that side\" one must have a unique spiritual gift and it is very, very dangerous to open oneself up to that. God did not answer your prayer to cure Cassi....oh, wait. Yes. He did. Just in a way you did not intend. Think of the torment of her life, what it was, what it would have become. The early to mid 20s is when mental illness takes its grip and worsens. We cannot begin to imagine the horror of living with this wretched \"creature\" in our minds and look at US, how we suffer! Do not offer yourself to Gehenna for anything. I think that God extinguishes the souls who reject Him at the end of the age, perhaps. Do not reject Him. Ask for forgiveness, He understands the desperation of a mother. And then my dear, build a relationship with Him. Without God there is no \"other side\", you know that, right? I know Evil, I have experienced it, I know people who have seen it. Stay away. Rebuke it. Stop confessing that you would \'sell your soul\" and those of others whom you love. I know this is an intense emotional reaction to this horror and so does God understand that, but it is now time for you to build a relationship with the Source of all there is, it is what Cassi wants, it is where SHE IS.
I am grateful that you moved through the day as best as you were able and yes, for me the days leading up generally are the most difficult and I remember our soths reminding me of that.
I don\'t think there\'s a mother on this earth that wouldn\'t have traded places or done anything to have changed the outcome that we each live with daily. I know I would have and I think I shared with you before when my late brother died and my father asked, \"What about all the prayers?\" and my mother\'s response was that they had been answered, just not in the way that we had wanted. That conversation that I was privy to between my parents has been one of my guiding lights for my path. I know without a doubt that the peace and healing my son sought he could not find on this earth. He had to transition in order to do the work that he always yearned to do without the drugs getting in his way. I have seen some incredible things happen within our family and I have no doubt that Douglas along with Spirit is working overtime on our behalf.
I believe that every mother here has the choice when she is ready to incorporate the loss and use it in a way that is a healing force within our world. You are on the right path and the timing of these things is essential. You are being guided, looked after and the way will be make itself known. Learning to \"wait it out\" is what is so very challenging most especially because one might feel as if \"nothing\" is happening, yet it couldn\'t be further the truth as SO much is happening. Just as a plant must grow roots under the ground before it has the strength to break through the earth to reach the sunshine, you are growing deep underground roots that are your foundation for what is to come.
Loving care dear Gina and always for your beloved Cassi.
XO Joanie
Jill, I love you but we will have to agree to disagree...I have no belief in Satan, demons, or hell...I believe we are all created from a God of Love...pure love, which could not have evil offspring. However I respect your Catholic beliefs and ask that you respect mine.
Sending lots of love & positive vibes your way. You are going in the right direction and I applaud your desire to help others, while you are in such pain...
(((((HUGS))))).....Julia
As we build up to our babes birthdays, and for me that second only to the date of her passing, my heart beats faster and my stomach clenches more and I become quieter and quieter... Then the day happens and it\'s like...so, that was it ??
I agree I\'d spend eternity where ever to have her back, I\'d trade my eternal soul in a heart beat...
Hugs, marylou
I could say the \"d\" word for the first 3 years. When I heard myself say it, I was surprised. I guess that is when I finally accepted that this was for real and I would never see Melissa in the physical world anymore. Believe it or not, it is a large step in the journey of grief...xoxoxo Connie