Today is yet anther new day, not feeling better but feeling any worse. I have chosen to hide out for the the next bit to think and write my journal. Since I woke today I am thinking about personal supports. I do have a couple but they are not healthy supports. My Mom who has been a cause of some of my trauma issue, but she still listens when i need to talk, and there is a fella and his family that helped myself and my children when we were homeless. he makes me uncomfortable at times but her is also a good listener. reaching out has been a chore for me, hence why i am trying out this site. I need to lose the whole "I can do it myself" attitude and continue to reach out. Helping others will be a sort of therapy for me as well, so i think i am in the right place.
So I am going to cover the basics of what I am trying to deal with on top of my own crap.
1: My 15 year old son was diagnosed with an ostiochondroma tumor in his leg close to his knee almost two years ago, at this time he also started fainting. Twice now he has fainted and got a concussion. The docs couldn't take out the tumor because its growing off the bone too close to his growth plate. As of now he is on the surgery list finally. He has been dealing with cardiology who have almost ruled out a heart issue and he will be seeing the neurology department soon, was a long wait to get in.
2: My 20 yer old daughter has a weight loss issue, I personally think it's too much stress from work. She is seeing the doc regularly to come up with a weight gain plan.
3: My 20 year old son, lives far from here, going to college, he hates me and doesnt come around more than once a year.
4: My 17 year old son has anger issues, he decided to go visit his grandmother at the other end of Canada and when he got there decided he wasn't coming back. he calls me often though and seems to be doing well.{his fathers mother}
5: My dog who has been a member of my family for 6 years is not doing well. She needs vet care i cannot pay for so I am facing surrendering her to the humain society so she can get the help she needs. this has angered my youngest son who will be very mad at me when it finally happens, he just cant understand that the human family has to come first, its a no win choice on my part, but she really needs the care so what choice do I have.
6: Contacting my mother for support has been horrible because her and I were very close for years, she was my best friend. then one terrible day my daughter told us that my moms husband was abusing her. I took this very seriously and in the end the man went to jail. My mother decided she was not going to leave him but stay with him and support him. this caused me to make another no win choice. The right thing i felt to do was walk away from her and leave her to abandoning her blood for a pedophile. It killed me and still does today.
Being a single parent for most of my time has been rough enough. I did marry for a while but it fell apart after 5 years. The father of my two youngest boys was murdered in 2007 so that was a huge stressor then, the father of the older two decided he didn't want to be a dad when my daughter was three months old so he was never in the picture. in the middle of all this I was abused, raped, and one loser actually tried to kill me. I realize my choices have led me into a lot of horrible things, but all the while i was stubborn and forced through it all alone. this was my mistake, and today I am paying the price. I hate people for the most part but i put on my smile and force through whatever needs to be done. I can't function at work properly, I do not look after my physical health properly. I refused to stay on any meds my doc tried to give me. ugh I realize now, I am not as tough as I wish is was. I know we us toughies all break eventually, and now here I am, alone, broken, and lost.
So I am going to cover the basics of what I am trying to deal with on top of my own crap.
1: My 15 year old son was diagnosed with an ostiochondroma tumor in his leg close to his knee almost two years ago, at this time he also started fainting. Twice now he has fainted and got a concussion. The docs couldn't take out the tumor because its growing off the bone too close to his growth plate. As of now he is on the surgery list finally. He has been dealing with cardiology who have almost ruled out a heart issue and he will be seeing the neurology department soon, was a long wait to get in.
2: My 20 yer old daughter has a weight loss issue, I personally think it's too much stress from work. She is seeing the doc regularly to come up with a weight gain plan.
3: My 20 year old son, lives far from here, going to college, he hates me and doesnt come around more than once a year.
4: My 17 year old son has anger issues, he decided to go visit his grandmother at the other end of Canada and when he got there decided he wasn't coming back. he calls me often though and seems to be doing well.{his fathers mother}
5: My dog who has been a member of my family for 6 years is not doing well. She needs vet care i cannot pay for so I am facing surrendering her to the humain society so she can get the help she needs. this has angered my youngest son who will be very mad at me when it finally happens, he just cant understand that the human family has to come first, its a no win choice on my part, but she really needs the care so what choice do I have.
6: Contacting my mother for support has been horrible because her and I were very close for years, she was my best friend. then one terrible day my daughter told us that my moms husband was abusing her. I took this very seriously and in the end the man went to jail. My mother decided she was not going to leave him but stay with him and support him. this caused me to make another no win choice. The right thing i felt to do was walk away from her and leave her to abandoning her blood for a pedophile. It killed me and still does today.
Being a single parent for most of my time has been rough enough. I did marry for a while but it fell apart after 5 years. The father of my two youngest boys was murdered in 2007 so that was a huge stressor then, the father of the older two decided he didn't want to be a dad when my daughter was three months old so he was never in the picture. in the middle of all this I was abused, raped, and one loser actually tried to kill me. I realize my choices have led me into a lot of horrible things, but all the while i was stubborn and forced through it all alone. this was my mistake, and today I am paying the price. I hate people for the most part but i put on my smile and force through whatever needs to be done. I can't function at work properly, I do not look after my physical health properly. I refused to stay on any meds my doc tried to give me. ugh I realize now, I am not as tough as I wish is was. I know we us toughies all break eventually, and now here I am, alone, broken, and lost.
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