Depression
Sometimes you want to scream... Living day after day with this is taking its toll. I am 58 now. I often have times when I just feel so sad. Many times I wish I could die so I could escape. I've lived with this since I was in my teens. It is hard to speak to anyone about how I feel. You know that most people who read this will be uncomfortable. They will resent you for making them feel uncomfortable. They will despise you for being weak. I understand all that. What I don't understand is what creates personality. Why have I struggled for so many years? Why do I find myself once again struggling with the same old sadness and pain? I really don't want you feeling sorry for me. I am sharing so if you're a parent who lost a child to suicide, maybe you'll understand that more likely than not it wasn't anything you did or did not do that led your child to that moment.
Replies
I\'m so, so sorry. Not that I feel sorry for you.....but that I am so sorry you are battling with all that you are and have been for so very long.
I certainly have no answers.....no advice or wisdom to share. But I do care and I am here to listen.
I don\'t think you are weak at all!!! Quite the contrary!!! Anyone who suffers with deep depression, anyone who survives horrendous childhood trauma, anyone who buries a child, and tries to somehow find LIFE again, is a true hero!
Kala suffered severe depression, and it nearly cost her her life.... She was NOT weak, and neither are you! She was hurting and didn\'t know how to handle all the issues, the fears, the thoughts in her head. I am grateful she found a positive answer for herself before she left this earth....I\'m so sad she had to endure suffering for so long, and experienced joy for such a short time. BUT, I am glad she found her joy finally.
I am a survivor of child abuse. I was not weak....I was surviving then the only way I could....and often, often, I wished I could just die to escape the pain. Somehow I survived fairly mentally in tact.... I\'ve always been a fighter, maybe that\'s why, or maybe that\'s the reason I\'ve had so many battles???
So, you see, reading this does not make me, and I\'m sure no one else, feel uncomfortable. It does break my heart... It does make me want to reach through this computer screen and hold you and cry with you...
I too wish I knew what creates personality. I surely have MANY flaws I don\'t understand and can\'t quite seem to keep in check when under pressure....whether real or imagined. I guess, the only answer is I\'m human and humans are flawed in many ways. I sure don\'t know why some have to suffer so horribly though....
I can\'t being to imagine the added layers of pain it must cause you and all the other moms who\'ve lost their precious children to suicide. I can\'t begin to imagine the added layers of pain it must cause moms who have watched their children lose battles with disease.
I only know what it feels like for me to lose Kala. But because I know that, I do have a deeper compassion for other moms who\'ve lost children, no matter the circumstances. And being able to come here and openly share our truth, our hearts, is so healing for me.
Thank you for sharing your truth....by doing so, you open the doors for all of us to share our truths as well.
No, you are not weak my friend, you are one of the strongest women I know. For in your \"weakness\" you reach out to help others and you do all in your power to help yourself too.
That\'s pretty amazing if you ask me!
Wishing you a peaceful day filled with sunshine and the perfect LOVE your amazing daughter has for you~~
Oh Elissa. I hear you. I have suffered from depression for most of my life. Losing a child, especially to suicide is horrendous.
You are so right. It was nothing you did or didn\'t do to cause the outcome.
Wishing you peace, love and comfort.
Huge hugs,
Marlene
I hate that so many struggle with this issue. But I think you are brave for facing each day. Tight hugs friend.
My son was a suicide Elissa, and you are so right, it\'s continuous battle to keep from blaming myself.
So sorry you a feeling the way you are. I know that emotional pain is worse than physical pain.
Sending tight hugs,
Terry
I think I will always feel guilty, for things I did that I shouldn\'t have done and things I did not do that I should have done...at least in this life. Depression and guilt are just a part of being a grieving parent.
I could have written all those same exact words... I do not share a lot of my sadness, everyday pains.... I sit here and cry,,,, but I cry because we are so alike.. love ya!
I too suffer from depression and anxiety and work in the mental health field. It is a lonely place to be. People truly don\'t understand why we are like this and why we can\'t just stop. It sucks. I wish I had a long wonderful reply like Teri to offer, since I don\'t, please read and reread hers. I am going to because there is a wealth of awesomeness in her sharing that I think we both need. I love you.
Why..... oh why???? Elissa I wish I knew the answer, I really do. Apparently depression most likely is a chemical imbalance of the brain & it seems to have genetic components. When my dad had a stroke I had a neurologist tell me that the brain is so complex that even those with extensive degrees in that field don\'t know a fraction about it. He also said that each situation is so unique that even in the case of an injury or illness, they have to just wait & see how the brain will react.
I so understand the debilitating effects that depression can have. I watched both of my sons struggle with it from their early teens on. Even though I wasn\'t able to free them of their depression I did learn so much, including compassion & empathy for those suffering with it. I believe that my husband & I gave our sons the best life we could. After losing them both in 2008 I now deal with frequent episodes myself. I\'m on medication & in therapy which seems to help.
I hope it helps you to know that you are not alone & that there are people who truly understand. I\'m wrapping my arms tightly around you & letting you know that I care. Depression can cause a person to have an unhealthy negative view of themselves. When this happens to me there is a scripture that brings me great comfort. 1 John 3:20 In essence says our own heart may condemn us but our Heavenly Father is greater than our hearts & He knows all things. So I try to view myself as God does....not with a critical eye that depression can cause us to look through, but through eyes of understanding & love.
Much love & compassion dear sister.
Vicki
I\'m sorry your hurting again, wishing I could sit with you and hug you and remind you how beautiful and strong you are!
Gentle care, Elissa, and it is never considered weak to speak up and express one\'s feelings. Actually, it shows care for oneself and others who might be feeling just as you are in this very moment discover a heart string that they might be able to hold onto.
More joins us that separates us no matter how our children have shed their earth suits and all I know from sitting with suicide survivors is that in the moment they chose to end their lives they could not see an end to their pain and truly felt that everyone would be better off without them. I know... Just not at all so in the eyes of their loved ones who would have done anything to help them remain here, yet that is what many have told me. I do not speak for Cara and only for those that I have sat with and listened to over the years...
Hoping the deep sadness lifts and that you feel the care that is here.
With you and caring~
Joanie
Dear Elissa, there is not much more I can add to the wise and encouraging words of the moms who have commented above. I know about this roller coaster of emotions and the pain I feel of two of my daughters who suffer from depression. Sending you tight hugs and prayers that today is a better day.
Love & Peace,
Diane
Hi Elissa. I have never understood true depression, to be honest. I have worries, for sure. My son, Jason, tells me that he has true depression and I don\'t \"get it\". Honestly, I sometimes think people \"label\" their normal every day worries of life as depression. Like people have normal headaches and call them \"migraines\". I mean, like how can my son have true depression when he had a privileged childhood and a good education, went to a fine college and eats healthy every day? It just boggles my mind LOL! I live in a basement apartment, am alone all the time, have to work and constant financial worries, but I don\'t call it depression. I call it worries! Anyhoo, my son, Michael, did not die of suicide, but he did die by his own hand and that is synonymous to me. Damn, we have to deal with the \"what if\'s, coulda, shoulda, wouldas\", don\'t we?
Peace to you.
I am so sorry, Elissa. I have suffered with depression, almost all of my life. I feel that a deep, clinical depression is what caused my mother to end her own life. Of course, I will never really know.
Having met you, this past Sunday, I can say that you are beautiful, inside and out. You and your Richard are just the cutest couple. I hope you are feeling better tonight and that Little Girl is curled up at your feet. Sweet dreams, my friend...
((((HUGS))))....Julia
I have a sister who suffers from a clinical depression and it is very serious. It never goes away for her and she takes medication for it. Some times I listen to her go on and on and on about her depression and I listen because I love her so much. There is nothing I can say or do for her, just listen. I think it is an awful way to live and her depression is very extreme and serious. After my son Justin passed away, she has never been right and she has filed for disability and tells everyone, including me all about my Justin, mom and my Jesse, about how they both passed away and how it had changed her entire life. I had to listen to her and there were times that I thought, what would she do if she were me? She makes her depression sound as they were her son\'s. I have had to keep my mouth and thoughts to myself and realize that she is not right. She has even told the social security judge about my son Jesse\'s murder and all about my Justin passing away. The judge has asked her if they were her children. After talking to her and listening to her, I realize that I am a very strong person after what I have lived through. She has really said many things that have made me really mad at times. I guess that I have put up with her conversations because I love her. I do not know what she would have done if she were the mother of my two son\'s. I know what depression is and I have a very hard time with her conversations, they are even shocking at times. I really do not know how to deal with her or the things that she tells me. I guess that LOVE is what helps me get through all of this and she is all I really have left in our family. Love! Hugs, XOX, Debbie
In looking back on my family, there have been clinical depression issues back many generations...mine was diagnosed after my mom died and with therapy I got off meds after a couple of years.
When Jenn was diagnosed, I again started the downward spiral and will likely be on meds fir the rest of my life. They state that any type of trauma can shift the brain chemicals from \'normal\' to low...resulting in depression
You are no more responsible fir your child\'s death than I am...but that doesn\'t stop us from questioning..does it ??