Diane, Shannon's mom posted this on Facebook... It really speaks to me... so I wanted to post it in my journal and some thoughts that often circle in my mind... I know many of you will relate. I am sorry that we all have to hurt... I am glad we had the chance though to be the mother to our child/children in this life. I hope we get that chance in a future life. With Love Elissa
This one is too true. I have talked to Cara so many times inside my mind. I wish I could have laid down beside her that dark October morning and held and comforted her as she lay dying, wish I could have told her how much I loved her. I wish she would not have died but if it had to be yes... I wish I could have told her goodbye. I wish she could have spoken to me anything that was in her heart.
I want her to know so desperately how much I loved and love her... I want to know that she is doing well... most of all I wish I could change how she felt that last night... and how did she feel in those last few moments... does it matter any more... she told me she loves me but that she can't say she is sad or that she misses me... Oh I worried over that statement so many times…
I finally decided maybe she doesn’t miss me because she is here… and maybe she isn’t sad because she knows she is where she is supposed to be at this time in the evolution of her body and spirit…
Will she come back? Will I be her mother? I say I want to know... but if the answer is no... her life is finished... No I don't want to hear that. I have been blessed with visits and signs for over 40 years. It doesn't matter. I still am often so fearful.
I so desperately long to live a more natural order of our lives… where I grow up… give birth to my children, one of them being Cara of course… that I get to watch them grow into young adulthood, that I get to watch my children raise their children, and perhaps if I am so blessed to see them welcome their grandchildren into the world, my great grandchildren…
What I want most of all Lord is a life where I do not outlive my child or children… Oh I am so grateful Lord for the signs and visits I’ve had for over 40 years… part of me believes she is here and she hears me…. I do think it is indeed possible that she is happy, just as she told me she was. I want to believe as I thought might be true from what she said, that she understands as we can not that the earthly life is temporary and that death is not something to be feared but rather embraced…
I can’t change that night Cara. I can’t change the nightmare your life had become. I can only say once again. I am grateful for the chance I had to be your mom. I long to be your mom in a future life. I pray that is the plan. Most of all Cara, I loved and love you. I will love you for always. Mama
This one is too true. I have talked to Cara so many times inside my mind. I wish I could have laid down beside her that dark October morning and held and comforted her as she lay dying, wish I could have told her how much I loved her. I wish she would not have died but if it had to be yes... I wish I could have told her goodbye. I wish she could have spoken to me anything that was in her heart.
I want her to know so desperately how much I loved and love her... I want to know that she is doing well... most of all I wish I could change how she felt that last night... and how did she feel in those last few moments... does it matter any more... she told me she loves me but that she can't say she is sad or that she misses me... Oh I worried over that statement so many times…
I finally decided maybe she doesn’t miss me because she is here… and maybe she isn’t sad because she knows she is where she is supposed to be at this time in the evolution of her body and spirit…
Will she come back? Will I be her mother? I say I want to know... but if the answer is no... her life is finished... No I don't want to hear that. I have been blessed with visits and signs for over 40 years. It doesn't matter. I still am often so fearful.
I so desperately long to live a more natural order of our lives… where I grow up… give birth to my children, one of them being Cara of course… that I get to watch them grow into young adulthood, that I get to watch my children raise their children, and perhaps if I am so blessed to see them welcome their grandchildren into the world, my great grandchildren…
What I want most of all Lord is a life where I do not outlive my child or children… Oh I am so grateful Lord for the signs and visits I’ve had for over 40 years… part of me believes she is here and she hears me…. I do think it is indeed possible that she is happy, just as she told me she was. I want to believe as I thought might be true from what she said, that she understands as we can not that the earthly life is temporary and that death is not something to be feared but rather embraced…
I can’t change that night Cara. I can’t change the nightmare your life had become. I can only say once again. I am grateful for the chance I had to be your mom. I long to be your mom in a future life. I pray that is the plan. Most of all Cara, I loved and love you. I will love you for always. Mama
Replies
What a beautiful journal Elissa. I think we all can relate to this journal.
The day before Jasonn\'s death he wasn\'t feeling well and John and I were covering his business and he walked in and said he wanted to thank me for all that his Dad and I were doing and he gave me a great big hug and said \"I love you\". Jason was never a huger or sentimental at all so it took me back, I remember my reaction was \"what a wonderful hug, your welcome and I love you too\". Of course at the time I didn\'t know he was saying good bye to me.
I have to believe that there will be other lives and Jason will be part of them wheher in this dimension or some other that we know nothing about. I\'m like you if this is all there is (and no way do I believe that) then I don\'t want to know.
Tight hugs,
Terry
What a beautiful journal. Thanks for sharing. Sometimes in my deepest worst time, I wonder is there all there is. I have been there this week. Think I needed to read your journal this morning.
Nell
She doesn\'t \"miss\" you because she sees you; and because she knows, now, what Plan is in action. You don\'t have to be reincarnated, Elissa. In the next \"life\", from where your daughter is being allowed to communicate with you (a huge blessing, by the way), you will be her Mother, forever. And no she can\'t be \"sad\", not in the Beatific presence. She finished the course, she\'s Home, and so will you be one day and all of this, the horror of it, will fade. \"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.\"
A few nights before Doug\'s accident I was in his room sitting on his bed talking with him. I was complaining that one friend I had was moving away, another I never hear from anymore. I said to him \"Doug, I\'m losing all my friends\". His response was \"You\'ll always have me\". I hold on to that, try to feel him always with me. I believe he is with me, I believe I communicate with him, I believe we will be reunited. I get signs, I have been to mediums and received messages. As I told my son Matt, maybe it is a crock of s**t, but it is what is getting me through these years. In the beginning I asked so many questions, the whys, the what ifs, but eventually I had to let them go, the answers wouldn\'t change the outcome. I did not get to say goodbye. When he left our place to go to work, I most likely hugged him, told him I love him, have a good night (I say most likely because in the haze I truly cannot remember but it is something I always did). That night Matt and I went to the pizza place where Doug worked for supper. Doug brought our food out to us, he and Matt talked sports a few minutes, and then Doug went back to work. That was the last time I saw him. Six o\'clock the next morning my doorbell rang, I thought it was Doug, that he had gotten a ride home and didn\'t have his keys. Opened the door and 2 state troopers were standing there, my life forever changed. I know without a doubt that Doug knew how much I loved him, would always be there for him, would do anything for him. His friends always told me he was proud to say he was a \"momma\'s boy\". I feel like the umbilical cord is stronger than ever, my heart just radiates out to be connected to him. Wishing us all peace and a gentle day. Sue xo
What a beautiful journal...I got the chance to tell Jenn how much I loved her, I gave her permission to go, I told her we would be ok... I am lucky as so many moms didn\'t get that opportunity...
Hugs, MaryLou
This is a heartfelt journal, Elissa and thank you for sharing it. Most of us have struggled, I believe, with those last moments and what we could have done differently. I last saw my son, Michael, the morning before his death. It was about 5 am and he woke me up by talking on the phone with his friend. Being sleepy, I cannot remember if I said \"I love you\" and it tortured me for a long time. I now accept that he, of course, knew that I love him. It tortured me that he died alone, on a bathroom floor, but I realize that I could not have been with him, as I was when he was born. I struggle with spiritual questions, such as will he know me as his mother and will I know him as my son when we meet again, if we meet again? I think we each take an avenue of some kind of belief that gives us the comfort we need to finish out our time on earth without our beloved kids and whatever works is AOKAY. Hugs, Belinda
I am right there with you in my thoughts and prayers. You have mirrored several of my feelings. I wish . . . Love and hugs, BarbaraWawa
This is a beautiful, heartfelt journal. Thank you, for sharing it with us. I hope you find peace, in knowing your daughter knew that you loved her....
(((HUGS)))...Julia
You have expressed my feelings. I know Lisa loved me, and she knows I love her; I always have through thick and thin. But you are so right, we should not outlive our children. There are no words to express how it feels to bury a child. I have to believe that we will be together again.
Thanks for sharing,
Love and hugs,
Marlene
Yes, you said it all perfectly - oh to live a life in the natural order of things and not to have to bury our children. I think I was in total denial the night David died - watching it happen slowly but not comprehending. Numb would be an understatement although it probably saved me at the time. I\'m glad you have had signs and visits for many years - that\'s a blessing! Joanna x
Warm hugs to you, Elissa! xxx
Kala and I didn\'t say \"goodbye\"....there was no reason to....that we knew....
My heart is forever broken.... I still apologize for that night.....for her leaving earth life so young.... It\'s still SO hard.... I still HATE that it happened!!!
This is a beautiful post....thank you.
A touching journal filled with much to ponder indeed. I too believe that whatever brings comfort to one\'s being is what is sought.
I did get to say good-bye yet was in such a foggy haze that the good-bye that meant the most to me was when I spoke to Douglas and told him I loved him, was worried about him and would speak to him in the morning the night before. In fact when I looked back on my caller ID his call to me was almost 24 hours earlier to the minute of when he took his last breath... I kept that log of his call for years and could not erase it. Deepest of sighs...
Feeling your heart in this journal Elissa, and so very grateful for your sharing of it. I have no doubt that Cara knows every fiber of your being and is so happy that she is your forever daughter as you are her forever mom. I just SO wish that this was not the outcome for any of us. It hurts terribly.
Hugs,
Joanie
Elissa, you have expressed my feelings so well. Cara should be here to raise children, watch them walk down the isle and raise children. I have tears in my eyes. Lisa should be here watching her beautiful daughter grow, graduate, get married. She would be such an awesome grandmother.
Love, M