Life

I dont know how many times that I have wrote long journal entries only to have them erase because my computer was acting up but thats ok I guess because at least I got my feelings and stress out. I seem to be in a different place lately...Where ,I am not sure..I guess I sit and dwell on my past,today and twenty years from now.I think of the people who have touched my life ,hurt my heart and about the people who  are no longer on earth.My grandmother who was always apart of my heart and always there for me when no one else was is dieing.i got a call she will probably not be here more than two days..It is a very long story about her terrible treatment by people who she trusted but turned out to be evil in her last years.Even though I will miss her terribly I feel comfort that she will finally be in heaven with the people who loved her most.Well, except for me that is.Its very strange over the summer my father in law died, my mothers husband died in November,my aunts husband just died this february and now my grama.I almost died in a car crash in 2005,five months later my father died unexpectedly.Exactly one year from my fathers death ,his father died and then my mother in law...It really makes you start to look at life differently.I cheerish what few people that I do have left in my life and want so much a different more meaningful life for myself.But everytime I try to make things better ,they just blow up in my face.I feel so alone in my thoughts,like people just dont understand or maybe they just dont care.I know that I am rambleing and probably dont make any sense now but my mind is such a jumble of thoughts and emotions and I wish so much that I had someone to share all this with ,I guess thats Ds land..I just want to be held in someones arms and feel like I am a true part of thier soul..Does this person exist??? In my heart and dreams ,yes...I know that i need to pull myself together but loneliness takes over and I cant seem to function ,let alone move forward with my life.Maybe its to late ...happiness,love ,compassion and the sense of being understood just isnt for me.I need to find myself before I disappear completely.