how can i really be alive if i feel as though ive been murdered? how can people tell me not to play with toys when i have a fetish for knives and blood? pain is about all i know. ive been in pain for almost 10 years now. i dont even wanna live to see 22. why? so i can have another year of despair and feel raped of my willness to live for another fucking year? i dont think ill ever be happy again. actually as of late im not so sure i ever want to be happy again because its just going to fuck me in the end anyway. or this could be the end for me. i could really use a drink but im gonna wait until after dinner. i love pasta lol. then its another night with purple jesus and probably swimming. hey, you never know,i might get lucky and get so drunk i drown.