dead

thank you so much, my dearest friends, for you unbelievable love and support.  i feel like im dead. probably not just cos of my dad alone, but like you say, cos of everything. just one thing after the next.i cant comprehend it, my brain cant process it. the information is too much, and my heart cant deal with this much emotion.so its as if i have shut off so much, that it feels like i am dead. inside its like a volcano of pain and tears, and i try and try to cry. but nothing will come out. i feel scared cos its like its sealed inside and am i dead? sorry to be like this, but you all said when we're down this low, we can lean on each other, so i hope its okay. sometimes i have such insight and words of wisdom, and so much positive outlook on our present, past and future. but right now, this pain is unbearable. how could i lose my jessy and my dad in the same year?  and jessy died on 24 april, so her FIRST angel date is coming up. im scared, im sad, i want my jessy. i just look at her picture, and think, jessy, how do i get t the strength to carry on? this is so hard. so so hard. khaely and jarod and tali need me. and david needs me. but they need me to be strong for them. NOT A BURDEN with my pain. oh G-d, i am finding this life so hard right now. sometimes i wish you guys were right here, and i could just flop down and cry and cry and cry