numb

to my dear friendsi dont know who to talk to.  i heard something almost 2 days ago, i talked to my family, but i am so numb i can hardly move. as you are all aware, my dad has left to australia. and as you know, i have had a VERY VERY hard time dealing with this issue in my life, maybe especially since i was so close to him, and he was so involved in my life, with caring for jessy, and the others and they have problems.  and my dad is a doctor. and in the last 2 or 3 years with his parkinsons and alzheimers he didnt practise anymore, but remained very close to me and my kids. well, word got back to me via the grapvine, that my dad's wife had told people that PART OF THE REASON she had to take my dad away is because ME AND THE KIDS WERE SUCH A DRAIN ON HIM!!!!  she apparently said a "financial drain". after my husband walked out in 2003 i was left with jessy, brain damaged, ill. khaely aged 5 and jarod aged 3 AND I WAS PREGNANT. and yes, my dad did help me. but in the last 2 years, since david has been in my life, they havent helped me financially AT ALL!! well anyway, when i heard this i nearly vomited. and something inside me died. the whole departure was so traumatic as it is already, pretty much knowing that i have been robbed of looking after my dad in his old age, of losing him altogether, of knowing deep down i will not see him again. i am so traumatised, its been nearly a month since he's gone, and i am in such shock still (at our separation). now ON TOP OF THIS, this is what i had to hear. my sisters tell me its just my dad's wife trying to justify why she took him away cos she knows it was a wrong thing to do - to him, to me, and to my children. they also say maybe she resented his closeness to us. nevertheless, just the THOUGHT that i might have been such a drain on him - i feel hurt, devastated, HUMILIATED. Most of all, i feel dead. i wanted to write to you, my special friends, last nite. i switched on my computer, logged on, and then just sat and stared at it. then switched off. i lay with my head on my pillow and closed my eyes. i could barely function the last 2 days. am i, and my whole life, maybe just such a burden to everyone? maybe.i have jessy's picture on my table top in my bedroom, and i look at her and i wonder what she's thinking of all this. i miss her. ive lost her and ive lost my dad in the same year. its like the end of an era.my loss of her was so painful because..... you know, needless to explainand now the loss of my dad, WITH the hurt and rejection and ruthlessness, its shocking i feel dead, and i just dont know how to wake up, or feel anything anymore, let alone alive.what am i going to do?what am i going to do?