sad

hello to my dear friends 2 days ago was 24 Feb, exactly 10 months since jessy's parting.  as you all know, jessy was very ill, and during the weeks prior to her death, i knew she was going, but they couldnt tell me WHEN! well, i sobbed and sobbed and vomited and vomited, and was by jessy all the time, through all the attempts to save her. and all the time i was talking to my rabbi.  i kept saying, can you imagine someone close to you was leaving on an airplane, to another country...  only unlike usual, you know you are never going to see them again or have contact with them, etc, HOW DO YOU SAY GOOD-BYE! i cried so much during that time, and was so fearful and sad, and frantic to try to control something that i couldnt. well, as some of you may know, i have always had a very special bond with my dad. my folks were divorced many years ago. i am very bonded with both of them. my mom lives with me, and jessy adored her beyond.my dad is a medical doctor, and he helped me all the years with jessy. he came over every single day, checked on jessy, had coffee with me and we talked and talked about all kinds of things.at ANY point in time, when i needed medical advice, mostly with regards jessy, - which was about 10 times a day!! ha ha - i'd call him immediately, and we'd sometimes have a lengthy discussion as to meds and doses etc.  he was very very involved in my life. a few years ago my dad started developing parkinsons and alzheimers. when we first discovered this it felt like my world was shattered. but i went with the flow. over the last 2 or 3 years, he has deteriorated dramatically. in the last year of jessy's life i could no longer rely on him for medical advice (and he could no longer practise as a doctor). this broke me, and was a huge loss for me. and i mourned this loss, i feel, more than most, because he had been so involved with me and jess. and then he broke the news to us, he and his wife (who he's been with for many years) are emigrating to australia, where HER kids and family and grandchild are. on the one hand, fair enough, for her to want to be close to her family. but what about HIS friggin family. god! jessy in the meantime, passed away. i am his CHILD! he still has 3 grandchildren here - khaely who is 11, bipolar and very special needs. jarod, 9 and tali, 5, who have built secure relationships in both him and his wife.  their own biological father abandoned them some years back. then their sister died. now their GRANDPA is leaving.  likewise for me... i lost my jessy, and now i'm losing my dad. well this evening was the big moment.... they are leaving tomorrow!!  i have avoided seeing them the whole week because its too painful.what i said to the rabbi 11 months ago CAME TRUE!!  i now have to say good-bye to my dad, who is leaving tomorrow on an airplane. i know deep down i will not see him again. i will never afford to go to australia, and i dont think his health will ever allow him to travel again (i dont know how they even got him in with his medical conditions). contact will be little, if ANY.  he cant use the computer, cant email. he cant use a phone anymore, or even send an sms. all i will be able to do is send an email which his wife will read to him, or try to speak to him on the phone, but he will be confused, and might not even know which of me or my sisters is speaking. so i had to do it. and this evening we went to say good bye to them. i hugged him, and i just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.i cried out loud all the way home. i came inside and sobbed until i was empty of tears.  i am numbjust so very numb