my dearest angel jessy i hope you are enjoying being with Hashem, and being with all the most precious angels, all the neshomas that are as perfect as you. how you so deserve to be with Hashem, and may He bless you and watch over you and LOVE you always. i know you are warm my baby, and safe and happy. i hope my grief does not make you suffer. im trying to understand how to carry on without you, what was the whole meaning of our time together, why that amazing love between us came to an end, in the physical. why maybe you can see it now from the spiritual, and i am really trying to see too. on the other hand, i am still in the physical and maybe im not able yet to see it as you do. its a funny and weird thing. sounds warped but is so. because of what we had together, and because of what we were and who we were, and because of your passing, this CREATED something, it created for me here in the physical, grief. an emotion, an overwhelming state of being, a way of life. if it hadnt been for what we had, this would not exist. did the event of your passing (from me) create the birth of this weird thing, grief? it sometimes terrifies me. other times i try to fight it and push it away. else i give in to it, and cry and ache and sob and cry out in agony. its new in me, my jessy sweet, but i know that you know what it is. ha ha..... i can see you smiling and Hashem smiling too, as you see me battling and battling to understand this complicated and all encompassing thing called grief, while to you, it is probably crystal clear and quite obvious. yeah. it probably is a little process to you, that i have to go through, to reach a certain point, where i have found peace with the grief, and i know that you are with me all the time, as a part of my grief, grief then not being such a bad thing. is that then, why people feel guilty if they feel that they are leaving their grief behind? they think they are leaving their angel too, behind. but i think as the person, in this case me, and the grief grow and mature into a more blossomed me, then it just takes on a new form. and when i laugh and love life, because the grief has grown me as i have worked through all the emotions, you have been with me, encompassed IN THAT very emotion, holding my hand as i go through it. so how can i possibly think i have left you behind as i work through the grief!!! you are holding my hand all the way through it. and when i have worked through it, and the grief remains a scar, you will still be holding my hand as i continue my journey. just like i was with you through your journey. and if ever i reach the stage where i can truly rejoice at an occasion that calls for rejoicing, then you will be rejoicing with me. because i think you will know that i have come through with colours! and you will know that i have come closer on my journey, to you. and it would not be complete if i didnt give my heart and soul and happiness and fun and love to all those who need it now, right? right, because then again, i have not yet become complete, and i have not yet helped them to become complete. you are complete, thats why you are there. and i know you will hold my hand all the way, as i work toward my completeness. i love you my sweet angelforever and ever
Replies
My dear Jan, How I could relate so well to this. I also wonder what processes our children have had to go through since they passed over or whether it was like walking into a room that was as clear as crystal. I rejoiced at my wedding and I remembered what it was to be happy, but the pain has returned and I realise that there will probably not be a \'final step\' where acceptance smothers the grief, but rather some easier times and some more difficult. Hugs, Charlotte.
Janice...I have felt or do feel everything you mention. Losing a child messes with everything in our lives and so we have to now find a way to incorporate this loss into our lives. It sounds to me that you are making good progress in examining your beliefs about death and dying...and life and living. Know that I am here for you in any way you need. Take care and much love to you...Karen
This is a beautiful letter to Jessy, and to us all. Grief came in the middle of the night and stole my most valuable, most beautiful, most loved possession. Grief came and stole not only my child, but it stole me too. Grief was my enemy. I\'m slowly and painfully learning that Kala was not my possession, nor am I my own possession. Grief has and continues to change me. I hope there have been changes made in me that are for the betterment of not only myself, but more importantly for others. I hope the changes toward my own more completeness continue. I think it was KellyLee105 who first wrote \"grief as a friend\". Somehow, I\'m beginning to release the hate I\'ve carried for grief and to embrace, not the pain of grief, but the works of the spirit, because of grief, which will ultimately lead me to completeness...that place where Jessy and Kala live. Thank you for sharing this powerful and insightful letter. You are a gift to us all. You are loved and you are love....Teri
My mistake...it was LizMom who wrote of grief as a friend in her discussion on \"the ability to see in the dark\".
Jan, what a beautiful entry. Life is a cycle and Jessy and my son are now complete. However, we are not and perhaps that unknown stirs up many emotions in us. We yern for their physical presence, but if we were to see or really know them as they are now, we would be envious and be rejoicing for them. This mortal life is so difficult but the rewards will be great. Much love. You are a wonderful friend. Robin
a beautiful heartfelt journal....hugging u close to my heart...im walking beside u on this journey...luv ya
Wow this is so (I\'m looking for the word/words) deep. It is all so true, and I understand all of it so well. I use to believe that to let go of the pain and the grief, to smile and enjoy was to somehow betray Heather. However, it\'s not a betrayal at all. It is what our children want for us. They want us happy, and they know that we will be together again. Easier said than done, but if we were to explore within each morning when we wake we may be able to encompass joy without guilt. I also agree with Robin they really are in a place that we would be envious of. Thanks for sharing this with us!! Love & hugs
What a wonderful expression of what the majority of us go through. Thanks for sharing that with us. Love and hugs Cathy