my dearest angel jessy i hope you are enjoying being with Hashem, and being with all the most precious angels, all the neshomas that are as perfect as you.  how you so deserve to be with Hashem, and may He bless you and watch over you and LOVE you always.  i know you are warm my baby, and safe and happy. i hope my grief does not make you suffer. im trying to understand how to carry on without you, what was the whole meaning of our time together, why that amazing love between us came to an end, in the physical. why maybe you can see it now from the spiritual, and i am really trying to see too. on the other hand, i am still in the physical and maybe im not able yet to see it as you do. its a funny and weird thing. sounds warped but is so. because of what we had together, and because of what we were and who we were, and because of your passing, this CREATED something, it created for me here in the physical, grief. an emotion, an overwhelming state of being, a way of life.  if it hadnt been for what we had, this would not exist. did the event of your passing (from me) create the birth of this weird thing, grief?  it sometimes terrifies me. other times i try to fight it and push it away. else i give in to it, and cry and ache and sob and cry out in agony.  its new in me, my jessy sweet, but i know that you know what it is. ha ha.....  i can see you smiling and Hashem smiling too, as you see me battling and battling to understand this complicated and all encompassing thing called grief, while to you, it is probably crystal clear and quite obvious. yeah.  it probably is a little process to you, that i have to go through, to reach a certain point, where i have found peace with the grief, and i know that you are with me all the time, as a part of my grief, grief then not being such a bad thing. is that then, why people feel guilty if they feel that they are leaving their grief behind? they think they are leaving their angel too, behind. but i think as the person, in this case me, and the grief grow and mature into  a more blossomed me, then it just takes on a new form. and when i laugh and love life, because the grief has grown me as i have worked through all the emotions, you have been with me, encompassed IN THAT very emotion, holding my hand as i go through it. so how can i possibly think i have left you behind as i work through the grief!!!   you are holding my hand all the way through it. and when i have worked through it, and the grief remains a scar, you will still be holding my hand as i continue my journey. just like i was with you through your journey. and if ever i reach the stage where i can truly rejoice at an occasion that calls for rejoicing, then you will be rejoicing with me. because i think you will know that i have come through with colours!  and you will know that i have come closer on my journey, to you. and it would not be complete if i didnt give my heart and soul and happiness and fun and love to all those who need it now, right?  right, because then again, i have not yet become complete, and i have not yet helped them to become complete. you are complete, thats why you are there. and i know you will hold my hand all the way, as i work toward my completeness. i love you my sweet angelforever and ever