hi to all my dearest sistersi dont know what i would do if it werent for you, and it touches me so very deeply that you are there, and that you CARE so much, and that you are all so warm and loving and just so amazing.... .....thank you. and this caring and love has enabled me to talk.  so for now, something set me off on friday. i was doing well, getting the kids all settled into their new schools, much excitement, "new-ness", new hopes, moving forward, never for a second without jessy with me. but HAPPILY with me, my thoughts of her were happy ones, remembering her wonderful laughter, and i joke a lot at the cutest things she used to say and do. not being able to talk properly, but with the joy and sense of humor she had, i just loved her so much, and i often say words within my family, mimicing jessy, and we all laugh cos she was so so cute. on friday night, a woman just pitched up at my house, unannounced, id met her once or twice before in the community, but i dont know her personally. in fact when she came in, i couldnt even recall her name. ....well she said, she's here to borrow a pushchair, as my sister in law told her i have one that she can use.i was SO SO SO SO ANGRY. how dare my sister in law offer my things to other people. ITS JESSY'S CHAIR, i hold it close to my heart, it is in my bedroom, with jessy's barney and teletubby, and the blue silk blouse she wore to my wedding.  jarod sits in her chair a lot and that is FINE with me coz he was close to her, and he is my family. and i also love sitting in it, cos its aluminium, light, and its like a rocking chair a bit, and very comfy. so i tell this woman no, my pushchair is jessy's chair, and it doesnt fold. she proceeds to have a look at it and proves that it DOES fold. i said well, no, its jessy's chair and she cannot take it. she proceeds to practically start an ARGUMENT with me. she says its to push some 5 year old kid in to a religious thing.  and jessy would be doing a good deed by doing this. i couldnt believe how pushy she was, i mean no is NO!  she actually started wheeling it out to the car, and a visiting aunt went and took it away from her. ... by now i was in my bathroom, collapsed on the floor, sobbing and sobbing and sobbing. the pain was unbearable. my husband phoned his sister and crapped all over her, and she said sorry. as for this other woman, who the @#$%*^*  is she to just walk into my home and get so pushy. in any case, i was gonners by now. none of that mattered anymore. i was shocked by the feelings it brought up in me - jessy's chair.  i cried and cried until my husband tried to get me up. my face was puffy, my head hurt, i was all congested.i came to supper but i couldnt eat. they kept saying i need to eat, so i forced myself.  halfway through, i ran to the bathroom and i was sick sick sick. like when jessy died.  i sobbed so much. nothing has been able to console me.  suddenly everything is so hard to deal with. the other 3 kids, its only their first week into school and i feel like i cant keep up with all the demands of the schools, and the homework. and im trying to show the kids a positive attitude. but inside i am crying and crying and crying. what is wrong with some people!  imagine going into someone else's home, and practically insisting on taking, even if just borrowing, a belonging of their child who has passed on. AND trying to convince them that the child, AND YOU, would be doing a good deed!!  they can SEE you are distressed.   WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOME PEOPLE!!! i am in such pain. i love jessy, i miss jessy, it cant even be REAL that she's dead. how can it be real?  it makes me feel like nothing can be real then. im sorry for pouring all this out. just want to be sick all the time.