thank you all for being so kind and gentle with me, you are really amazing. today the kids started the new school year.  tali is 5 and is in the final year of kindergarten, which is age appropriate and she seems okay. jarod started at a new school as he is repeating grade 3. i feel SICK that he has to repeat grade 3 because he is a clever boy, an all round achiever, sporty and academic. i just dont know what happened last year. jessy died. did that throw both me and him so completely?everyone says its much better for him to repeat, and are very supportive, and say that it will just give him that bit of a breather, to get over his trauma. but i feel sick, that i just didnt focus enough on his school work last year, and that if i had, he would be going into grade 4. khaely - even WORSE!  her peers are going into the 6TH grade, and she is now going BACK into FOURTH grade. why?  in 2007 she was in grade 4, but it was a terrible terrible year for khaely, her bipolar seemed to hit rock bottom and totally manic, to point of dysfunctional. she barely attented school. then in 2008 they pushed her up to grade 5, but it was not even relevant as things turned out. because that is went jessy took gravely ill, khaely had a complete emotional breakdown, during january and feb 2008. a wonderful organisation took khaely under their wing, who ran a school for severely emotionally or mentally traumatised kids. they were really incredible, and i agreed to let khaely go to that school for 2008. it was already april by the time she was able to attend and some meds had stabilised. jessy died toward the end of april, khaely was so hard knocked, she remained at this school for the year. here they did such basic work it was quite ridiculous, but they thought it best not to put any pressure at all on her. and i agreed because she had begun to self mutiliate and talk of suicide. so now, for 2009, the school decided that khaely is ready to get back into a proper academic system. she would not cope with mainstream at this point, so she has started at a remedial school, just for children who are "normal" like her, but with learning difficulties. but the fact is that she has not done 5th grade at all, and she practically didnt to 4th grade either. so we all felt it better FOR HER SAKE, at being given this second chance, to let her try to do the 4th grade. please G-d if she should manage, yes, she would be 2 grades behind her peers, BUT she would possibly be able to mainstream some time in the future.  in the meantime she loved the new school. i dont blame myself completely for all this knock that the kids have taken. because i too have  taken the knock.  i dont feel like i have WRONGED them in any way willfully, or because i didnt care. i was knocked right out of my world, and it is not fair to lose your child, to feel the pain that no one knows, and STILL to have to do your best. i do feel ive done my best for the other 3, because i didnt break down to the point of not being there for them. i fought to be there every minute. it was fair for me to have to go through all that. it isnt fair for any of us. today was a positive start to a new school year, with each having their new bags, and books, and uniforms, and meeting new friends. and i was very happy.but they are behind.and jessy didnt start her new year at all. and i was very sad.