help!!
what is wrong with me?!i was doing so well. i know we go through phases, but mine seem a bit dramatic and it scares me to death.when i feel good, i feel real good and think i can help so many people, and i DO manage to do good things for people.but when i feel freaked, i feel so freaked it scares me. i feel so angry. not because its an angry phase coz jessy died.i feel angry because my sisters came for the unveiling, but i needed them for jessy's LIFE, for her ILLNESS, for the funeral, for the mourning period. not 8 months after she died. and i cant tell them that coz they left their kids to come to me and they would be very hurt. im angry becoz my kids came back, Thank G-d safely, today from spending 2 weeks with their dad. he is an abusive person and i hate him, and he says they were so "well behaved" with him. but they are scared of him. and they are emotional wrecks after this time. and i am devastated, and sad, and i feel helpless and afraid and angry. im also angry becoz my sister in law and family are really close to us, and we are good to each other, but when THEY feel like they cant cope they just SHUT OUT from the world, and they simply are "not available" so to speak. but when THEY feel better, they just come prancing into here, have no respect for my privacy, they just walk into the bedrooms, which is OUR PRIVATE SPACE, and they just walk into the kitchen and start making supper for themselves. is it ME, or am i right in saying there's a bit of a limit as to how "welcome" you make yourself, EVEN in your sister in laws home! and they messed with my kids routine, and they dont seem to show any problem with it at all. and i am angry because i am feeling terrible, and freaked out, and nervous and afraid. and i want to sleep, it feels like ive been drugged, and ive been to doctors. they just say its stress. but everyone thinks i am lazy and should get a job becoz we are battling financially. and i WANT to but i cant becoz i am tired and aching, AND becoz i have bipolar kids who need me 24/7 and people think i am making excuses. i am angry coz i want to just cry and scream, and i am angry at everyone, for everything.im getting help, i am with a psychiatrist, and i am on meds. some days, as i said, i do so well.what is wrong with me that i can get so angry?! and that i feel so freaked that im not even in control of myself that im scared of everything! im just angryand i am sad that jessy is dead
Replies
Jan, nothing is wrong with you. I remember the first time I had a good day. I thought WOW, I beat this and I\'m doing OK. Then BAM, right back to the dark place. It\'s very normal friend. It\'s like everyone says....a roller coaster ride for a long time. Just appreciate the good days and enjoy them, but recognize another dark one will come along. When s dark days come, remember they don\'t last forever. Soon the stretches become longer. I thought I was doing great and had a few hard days over the holidays. It surprised me and I was really down. They are gone now and I\'m OK. It\'s our new life now friend. Hang in there. As far as your family, I don\'t have alot of advice as all families are unique and some would think nothing about what your in-laws do when they come over. Although I\'m not a particularly private person, I too have a pet peeve of people dropping by unannounced and if family went into my bedroom, I would be appalled. I guess it\'s because I would never do something like that so I assume others think the same but they don\'t and some think nothing of making themselves at home in others surroundings. Now back to your dillema, if this is your home, then you have every right to set some ground rules and tell your family them kindly that from now you\'d prefer things to be different, you have some things you\'d would like to change, and you would appreciate them respecting your wishes. They may be a bit hurt at first but I\'m sure if you explain things and ask with sincerety, then they will understand. Good luck. Love to you friend. Robin
Your anger is normal...the waves of being okay and being terrible come and go frequently for a long time. Even when you go long periods of okay...the terrible will return as well. What does change is that the lows aren\'t as low and they don\'t last as long. Go with your emotions...feel what you feel. I think that even verbalizing your anger will help your anger. Sometimes just \"dumping\" helps me. Tomorrow will be different...hopefully better. Stay steady and let your family know what YOU need from them...they obviously feel so comfortable that they take advantage of the situation. Take care and hope that tomorrow will be a bit easier for you...love and hugs...Karen
Your anger is normal...the waves of being okay and being terrible come and go frequently for a long time. Even when you go long periods of okay...the terrible will return as well. What does change is that the lows aren\'t as low and they don\'t last as long. Go with your emotions...feel what you feel. I think that even verbalizing your anger will help your anger. Sometimes just \"dumping\" helps me. Tomorrow will be different...hopefully better. Stay steady and let your family know what YOU need from them...they obviously feel so comfortable that they take advantage of the situation. Take care and hope that tomorrow will be a bit easier for you...love and hugs...Karen
Anger is another part of this crazy journey. Hopefully venting here, will help you. Try not to worry about what other people say you should do. They have no clue! Just do what you can, when you can. I would be really offended if anyone but my kids just walked in and started fixing themselves something to eat. (My kids, living at home, or not, are welcome to do that.) I wouldn\'t even want my mother to do that at my home. And, I would not do it at hers. Especially when/if the budget is tight. This is such a confusing time in your life. I think that is enough to make us angry, sometimes. Just hang in there and take one breath at a time. Peaceful wishes, Ginger
Since Daren\'s death my anxiety level runs high on a good day...add any stress or added burdeon and I am toast and crash and burn. I think that we all battle this to some degree. When I start getting like that I try to remember to breathe and quiet my mind...take comfort in knowing that we all have good and bad days...be gentle with yourself, you have a lot on your plate.
Take care of you...
Ann
I hope this to shall pass for you. Its hard when we get so down, angry, scared, frightened, it is all normal feelings. You have a right to your feelings, and with your journal I would feel alot like you do. Take some big deep breaths, do self talk therapy and things will get better. I\'m glad you see a dr. and are on meds to help, continue the great work and it will pass. I\'m here if you ever need me. Have a better day and enjoy the happy moments.
you are angry because life isnt fair and has treated you so badly, you have earned the right to be mad as hell....you are overwhemled and just need some help...these family members of yours should be doing whatever they can to make you life easier and it seems like they are making things worse...i would sit them down and tell them what you need them to do or stop doing and if they dont like it then to bad!!! you need help hun, and they should be willing to help you.....what do you have to lose by talking to them right???? i wish there was something that i could do to help you....i can feel like your just at the edge of loosing it, and i dont want that to happen....please do what you have to do to get a break from things....i really hope that tomorrow is a better day for you, and please know that your not alone, so many people here who care for you....you will be in my thoughts today....lots of love..jann
It is hard for us Moms to understand why people do not understand us. I am sorry you are not able to work because I know that my work has helped me go on and gives me something to do each day. Be strong you will make it ok.
everything you are feeling is totally valid, you have a right to be angry at certain people. but if there\'s nothing we can do and it\'s just the way things are or people are, then we must let go of the anger because then we\'re just hurting ourselves more and more. i\'m praying for you. i\'m here for you. love and hugs, meg
you are right, just hard to know where to draw the line. its a tough call. love jan
It was so hard for me to communicate my needs and feelings to others...I finally wrote a \"grief letter\" telling everyone where I was emotionally, mentally, physically...I describe what grief felt like at that point in my life...I stated that I did not realize that there were so many layers to grief and that it lasted so long. I also stated what I needed (someone to shop for me, pay my bills, take me to lunch now and then so I didn\'t withdraw too long, etc.)I think that people just don\'t understand
even family, unless they have suffered the loss of a child they are not equipped to comprehend our needs--I think that I was the same before my loss...
Take care of you--your family needs to be more supportive.
Ann