hello my dear friendsive had a visit from my sisters from overseas, they came for the unveiling of jessy's tombstone. and also to say good bye to my dad, as in 2 months he is emigrating with his wife to Australia. he is only 71, but is a very old 71, he has parkinsons and alzheimers, or doctors think it might be lewy bodies syndrome. he is not well and i am devastated that he is going, but thats the way it is. my sisters say we must leave it as thats just the way things are. you know what? i really need to talk to you, my dearest friends tonight. my visit with my sisters was beautiful, but with the one was quite frustrating. with all my family, in the last 2 weeks, you have no idea what advice ive received... - UNASKED FOR ADVICE mind you!.... jan, you need to get out the house, get a job. you must let the highlights grow out your hair, your natural brown looks nicer. you should be careful of all the medications that you have khaely on. why did you give tali a panado? !!!! i dont like that friend that keeps coming here, she takes up too much of your time, your CHILDREN need that attention from you. Dad is actually not as bad as you think he is, you should spend some more time talking to him and you will see. in know it is hard with jessy being gone but you really need to do more for yourself, like yoga or gym, or something. you care too much about everyone else, being too kind to too many other people. jarod seems fine to me i dont know why you say he has problems. i dont know about khaely, i would be careful of these psychiatrists who are so quick to diagnose. and i wish you hadnt married rob, you made a real big mistake. i dont think she really has bipolar, at least, i havent seen any episodes. and you should do this and you should do that, and you shouldnt do this and and and and... ....... GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! actually, im quite happy in my house, with my dogs and the kids, and looking after my old aged father in law. and I LOVE the highlights in my hair, THANK YOU! And yes, actually, I WISH KHAELY DIDNT HAVE TO BE ON THE MEDS SHES ON, but actually you have no idea what we go through, and you should have seen her BEFORE she was on meds, hallucinating and screaming and self-mutilating and suicidal by the age of 10!! and been through FOUR psychiatrists and been diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder WITH psychosis. and actually, jarod is so dysfunctional that he has TO REPEAT GRADE 3 next year, he has been so crazily aggressive and landed up in emergency so many times this year having stitches and been in dangerous situations, that YES now that the doc says he is showing early symptoms of bipolar, and now that he has jarod on valproateand risperdal, thank G-d he IS SHOWING a considerable improvement, but that's all you see!! as for tali, she had a headache, and why should i have to explain to you why i gave her a panado (paracetemol)! and its too bad if you dont like my crazy aunt friend coming here, its not your house, and yes she is a bit nuts but i love her. and actually i have spent almost EVERY DAY with my dad, devastatingly watching him deteriorate, seeing him in hospital, talking hours with him, or at least trying to. she sees him maybe once a year for like a week or 2. my dad is in a very bad way, whether they want to acccept it or not, and it is KILLING ME and i am crying as i write this. as for my first marriage, HELLO, yes i kinda REALISE it wasnt a good thing. but as far as im concerned i didnt MAKE A MISTAKE. at the time i believed in what i was doing, and it turned out a disaster. and as for JESSY .... dont even GO THERE with me if you have no idea. with all the flippin criticism and uninvited advice, she has no idea of my pain, and i feel like saying, YOU KNOW WHAT? under the circumstances im doing so well you have no idea! how dare you imply that my children NEED ME, i am there for my children 24/7, i dont know hom many moms give like i do. i am running full time for khaely, to schools, being called in for problems, doing everything under this living sun to help her. i am doing everything in my power to love jarod and tali and give them the best. and i LOVE helping people it is WHAT I DO! i do it for me and i do it for jessy. and if you had an inkling of an IDEA of the pain i bear over jessy, how much effort and guts it takes day after day to get out of bed and DO WHAT I DO, you would be ashamed to even think that you are criticising the color of my friggin hair! sorry.... thanks for llistening.... i think i am just in so much pain, and i tried to hard... even when i was showing her the last bit of jessy's life on video - her actual DYING - such a personal and painful thing to share, she said to me "do you have this much footage of the other kids?" i felt like saying "f--k you", but i didnt. i politely said "i have tons and tons of footage of all my kids." to which she responded, "thats good." WHAT IS HER PROBLEM!! she always does to me, even when i was growing up, always on my case. i KNOW i have 3 special needs children, believe me i know it, and i put my ALL into it. but i certainly dont owe ANYONE any explanations or justifications of my love for jessy either. i just want to cry and cry and cry.
Replies
I am so sorry my friend and I wish I was there to give you a big hug. you are doing a good job with your children and don\'t let anyone tell otherwise. You are a very special woman and I admire you for your strength that you have. I know from my experiences that family are not as loving or supportive as they should be. They don\'t understand the pain of losing a child and they never will unless it happens to them. Take care and don\'t let their criticism get to you they are ignorant. It makes me so angry to hear how uncompassionate and cold family can be. I care about you and I think you are an awesome mother. Love, Kathy
Wow you in a hug and you are so strong. I am proud of you for keeping a positive attitude threw all of this. That was nice you were so polite, if it was me I would be in her face and tell her like it is. I\'m proud of you and be proud of yourself. Great job!!!!!!
I\'m sorry for all the added stress and the frustration. I\'m really glad you journaled and vented it out. I for one don\'t see how you do all that you do. You\'re a very strong and patient woman, and a very loving and giving mother. Hugging you tight, Teri.
Jan, I\'m so sorry that you have to endure the endless unsolicited advice and basically \"crap\" from your family members. I\'m always amazed at how insensitive people can be. I just try to remember that once I didn\'t walk in these shoes and maybe I would have been a bit quicker to judge too. Lessons we learn the painful way huh? We can\'t pick our family and it seems like there is the one in each family that think they know it all and what\'s best for us. People tend to forget when they point a finger there are four more pointing back at them. You are doing terrific and under the circumstances it is amazing what you continue to do. I\'m happy you have a place to unload here on DS. That is why we are here and I hope in some small way it lets out your frustrations to tell us about these things. Hold your head high friend. Only YOU know what is best for your children, no one else. Continue to do what works for you and your family and let the rest roll off your shoulder. I know that\'s easier said than done but you can do it! Love to you friend. Robin
oh boy i know how this is. just sending you love and understanding . and huge hugs.
Oh Dear Jan, it\'s so hard to be strong when you are being battered around isn\'t it? My mother does this to me, all very \"well meaning\" but aaargh. I stayed out of her way as much as possible while I was in Auckland. You of all people, do not need advice about how to go about your life, you are amazingly strong and cope with so much. Good on you! Keep going the way you are! Charlotte
hey jan.....well that sounds awful and just down right mean of these people to judge you like that!!!
i dont know how you kept from slapping someone over the head!!!
this is your life and no one elses, how dare they tell you what you should or should not do... no one understands what a day in your life is like, or how difficult it is just to get through each day....i really wish people would keep their opinions to themselve until you ask or need their input....
your doing the best that you can and you love your kids and your doing what you and the proffessionals have decided is best!!!!
not everyone understands what its like to make the decissions about meds or therapy, its not as easy as some would think.....
as you know i have a special needs child and family members are always commentting on how hes not potty trained yet....\'hes 4 he should be out of diapers\'....well ive tried and tried but hes just not ready...they dont get that he is too delayed to understand what he should be doing....they think that i just havent done it right, or tried hard enough.....
try really hard to ignore the comments or just tell them to stop saying anything......
my heart goes out to you.....i hope things start to get better now that christmas is over.....im here for you hun....lots of love..jann