hello my dear friendsive had a visit from my sisters from overseas, they came for the unveiling of jessy's tombstone. and also to say good bye to my dad, as in 2 months he is emigrating with his wife to Australia. he is only 71, but is a very old 71, he has parkinsons and alzheimers, or doctors think it might be lewy bodies syndrome. he is not well and i am devastated that he is going, but thats the way it is. my sisters say we must leave it as thats just the way things are. you know what?  i really need to talk to you, my dearest friends tonight. my visit with my sisters was beautiful, but with the one was quite frustrating. with all my family, in the last 2 weeks, you have no idea what advice ive received... - UNASKED FOR ADVICE mind you!....   jan, you need to get out the house, get a job.  you must let the highlights grow out your hair, your natural brown looks nicer. you should be careful of all the medications that you have khaely on. why did you give tali a panado? !!!!  i dont like that friend that keeps coming here, she takes up too much of your time, your CHILDREN need that attention from you.  Dad is actually not as bad as you think he is, you should spend some more time talking to him and you will see.  in know it is hard with jessy being gone but you really need to do more for yourself, like yoga  or gym, or something.  you care too much about everyone else, being too kind to too many other people. jarod seems fine to me i dont know why you say he has problems.  i dont know about khaely, i would be careful of these psychiatrists who are so quick to diagnose. and i wish you hadnt married rob, you made a real big mistake. i dont think she really has bipolar, at least, i havent seen any episodes. and you should do this and you should do that, and you shouldnt do this and and and and... ....... GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! actually, im quite happy in my house, with my dogs and the kids, and looking after my old aged father in law. and I LOVE the highlights in my hair, THANK YOU! And yes, actually, I WISH KHAELY DIDNT HAVE TO BE ON THE MEDS SHES ON, but actually you have no idea what we go through, and you should have seen her BEFORE she was on meds, hallucinating and screaming and self-mutilating and suicidal by the age of 10!!  and been  through FOUR psychiatrists and been diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder WITH psychosis. and actually, jarod is so dysfunctional that he has TO REPEAT GRADE 3 next year, he has been so crazily aggressive and landed up in emergency so many times this year having stitches and been in dangerous situations, that YES now that the doc says he is showing early symptoms of bipolar, and now that he has jarod on valproateand risperdal, thank G-d he IS SHOWING a considerable improvement, but that's all you see!! as for tali, she had a headache, and why should i have to explain to you why i gave her a panado (paracetemol)!  and its too bad if you dont like my crazy aunt friend coming here, its not your house, and yes she is a bit nuts but i love her. and actually i have spent almost EVERY DAY with my dad, devastatingly watching him deteriorate, seeing him in hospital, talking hours with him, or at least trying to. she sees him maybe once a year for like a week or 2.  my dad is in a very bad way, whether they want to acccept it or not, and it is KILLING ME and i am crying as i write this. as for my first marriage, HELLO, yes i kinda REALISE it wasnt a good thing. but as far as im concerned i didnt MAKE A MISTAKE. at the time i believed in what i was doing,  and it turned out a disaster. and as for JESSY .... dont even GO THERE with me if you have no idea.  with all the flippin criticism and uninvited advice, she has no idea of my pain, and i feel like saying, YOU KNOW WHAT? under the circumstances im doing so well you have no idea!  how dare you imply that my children NEED ME, i am there for my children 24/7, i dont know hom many moms give like  i do. i am running full time for khaely, to schools, being called in for problems, doing everything under this living sun to help her. i am doing everything in my power to love jarod and tali and give them the best. and i LOVE helping people it is WHAT I DO!  i do it for me and i do it for jessy.  and if you had an inkling of an IDEA of the pain i bear over jessy, how much effort and guts it takes day after day to get out of bed and DO WHAT I DO, you would be ashamed to even think that you are criticising the color of my friggin hair! sorry.... thanks for llistening.... i think i am just in so much pain, and i tried to hard... even when i was showing her the last bit of jessy's life on video - her actual DYING - such a personal and painful thing to share, she said to me "do you have this much footage of the other kids?"  i felt like saying "f--k you", but i didnt. i politely said "i have tons and tons of footage of all my kids." to which she responded, "thats good." WHAT IS HER PROBLEM!!  she always does to me, even when i was growing up, always on my case. i KNOW i have 3 special needs children, believe me i know it, and i put my ALL into it. but i certainly dont owe ANYONE any explanations or justifications of my love for jessy either. i just want to cry and cry and cry.