I was thinking about the index card exercise. I don't know if I can actually stand to physically write that all down. But maybe I could brainstorm here some...
I was trying to think back to when problems started. But I really don't know when.
We've never agreed on how to discipline our first born. He is very smart, independent, and strong willed. My husband had/has a very demanding education and career. I was pretty much on my own.
We have never been compatible sexually. Porn has always been an issue for him. He would binge on porn. Sex is not comfortable w him. It takes him so long to climax... I think the porn has desensitized him, making orgasm w plan sex very difficult for him.
He binges left me alone on a lot of things....
I have this beautiful picture of my oldest (he was 2) and me in a pool in Cancun over looking the sea. Just me and him. My mother in law loves to point out that the pic would be better if I had found someone else to take the pic so my husband could have been in it. A stranger did take the picture. But I've never told her...husband isn't in it because he was no where to be found...looking at porn somewhere....the last few hours of our trip. Oh well I'll forever cherish the picture.
One yr on Christmas Eve he was binging. And I had to stop setting out gifts to take care of his needs. However, he still looked at porn when we were done. He left me to get things done by myself.
Another yr on Christmas Day...we traveled to a hotel to be w his family. He left me to get everything from the car...3 kids and luggage while he hid in the bathroom looking at porn. And again the next day. I packed up to leave while he looked at porn.
Because I didn't want/need sex as much as him, he would point out that something must be wrong w me. He would bring it up time and time again about maybe I was molested. Asking about specific people in my family. Even on an evening out for our anniversary. He would never think to imagine that maybe my issue was him... The way he made me feel knowing he looked at porn. I've run thru the emotions. Hurt. Anger. Why am I not enough. And finally... I really just don't care. Look at porn. Don't look at porn. I don't care either way. Which makes him angry at me because Christians should hate porn and I just really don't have the energy to care either way. He begin to blame me for his porn.... If I could just give him more sex he wouldn't need to look at porn. He told me one time in a rage (not yelling a controlled rage) that he looks at porn because that's something he can control. He has no control over me and that is wrong.
He's big on punishment and discipline. After he would binge he would feel like he owed God some type of penance. So usually he would fast. Sometimes from food altogether. For a long time. Sometimes just from certain foods.
We went on vacation once and he was basically fasting. He would get so cranky when the kids and I would eat. Punishing my oldest for stupid stuff. (Yeah breaks my heart...why didn't I leave then?! Why am I always so afraid?!)
I was trying to think back to when problems started. But I really don't know when.
We've never agreed on how to discipline our first born. He is very smart, independent, and strong willed. My husband had/has a very demanding education and career. I was pretty much on my own.
We have never been compatible sexually. Porn has always been an issue for him. He would binge on porn. Sex is not comfortable w him. It takes him so long to climax... I think the porn has desensitized him, making orgasm w plan sex very difficult for him.
He binges left me alone on a lot of things....
I have this beautiful picture of my oldest (he was 2) and me in a pool in Cancun over looking the sea. Just me and him. My mother in law loves to point out that the pic would be better if I had found someone else to take the pic so my husband could have been in it. A stranger did take the picture. But I've never told her...husband isn't in it because he was no where to be found...looking at porn somewhere....the last few hours of our trip. Oh well I'll forever cherish the picture.
One yr on Christmas Eve he was binging. And I had to stop setting out gifts to take care of his needs. However, he still looked at porn when we were done. He left me to get things done by myself.
Another yr on Christmas Day...we traveled to a hotel to be w his family. He left me to get everything from the car...3 kids and luggage while he hid in the bathroom looking at porn. And again the next day. I packed up to leave while he looked at porn.
Because I didn't want/need sex as much as him, he would point out that something must be wrong w me. He would bring it up time and time again about maybe I was molested. Asking about specific people in my family. Even on an evening out for our anniversary. He would never think to imagine that maybe my issue was him... The way he made me feel knowing he looked at porn. I've run thru the emotions. Hurt. Anger. Why am I not enough. And finally... I really just don't care. Look at porn. Don't look at porn. I don't care either way. Which makes him angry at me because Christians should hate porn and I just really don't have the energy to care either way. He begin to blame me for his porn.... If I could just give him more sex he wouldn't need to look at porn. He told me one time in a rage (not yelling a controlled rage) that he looks at porn because that's something he can control. He has no control over me and that is wrong.
He's big on punishment and discipline. After he would binge he would feel like he owed God some type of penance. So usually he would fast. Sometimes from food altogether. For a long time. Sometimes just from certain foods.
We went on vacation once and he was basically fasting. He would get so cranky when the kids and I would eat. Punishing my oldest for stupid stuff. (Yeah breaks my heart...why didn't I leave then?! Why am I always so afraid?!)
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