I don't really know how my life is right now.
I met up with Satnav on Saturday, as planned. I helped him move into his new house, and then we went to Subway for tea. Once we were there, we got talking about my 'issues'; I felt vulnerable to be talking about things like that so frankly, and almost ashamed that I was admitting to someone else that my problems were getting worse. Ashamed? Is that the word? I think 'helpless' is a better word. Afterwards, we bought alcohol to pre-drink before a party. Somehow, we drank almost a whole bottle of Schnapps and two very strong cocktails each. I mean, talking and flirting (we've decided we have 'chemistry') was fun, but I definitely ended up more drunk than I planned.
We got to the party at half past eight. I bounced in, said hello to everyone, and then promptly passed out on the sofa. I was woken up an hour and a half later by someone throwing up on me - it later turned out I'd thrown up, but I was very confused and scared by the whole affair. And I was so cold. This is something that's developed recently - I'm cold all the time. Josh gave me his jumper and Dan's jacket, and all I could do was cry because of how upset, and shocked, and absolutely freezing I was. Dan took me outside, where I threw up again, and then told him I was frightened. I told him about everything; not wanting to lose weight, not wanting to gain weight, not wanting to go to a doctor. I told him I didn't think he cared. He was surprised by this, promised me he did care, but just didn't know what to do. Then I said I couldn't get a diagnosis because I didn't want him to feel like my carer. He burst into tears at this and said he already did, occasionally; 'you can't go through someone's suicidal thoughts like that and not have your relationship change'. He said he'd help me with eating and stuff, but he hasn't done a thing. I'm secretly a little pleased he hasn't done anything - I don't want to be interfered with.
We came back on Sunday. Last night, I couldn't sleep (my depression has come back again). I got angrier and more and more tired, and eventually just started crying. I guess I had a bit of an epiphany, though I'm not sure if 'epiphany' is the right word. I guess I just realised what I've suspected all these years; I'm an inconvenience. I just whirl into peoples' lives with my problems and then disappear when they get worse. When I get worse. I can't deal with being that sort of person, and it's made me feel how I felt last summer. I guess it's like HyperboleAndAHalf - I don't want to die, I just want to stop being alive.
I must have cried for over an hour - I tried to be quiet, but Dan woke up anyway and held me until I finally fell asleep. I've only had about five hours of sleep, which is fucking annoying because today is my day off. I cried again after we got out of bed this morning and promptly got back into it, and then again this afternoon after I just got so tired and angry. We had some very rough sex* earlier, which helped a little, but has also made me more tired. He accidentally came on my vagina, but my period didn't come this month, so I don't think I could possibly be pregnant anyway. The fact that it didn't come scared me a little, but pleased me more.
I'm restricting more since Dan and I got back from Norwich. I feel vulnerable, now that people know my secret. But last night really hit me, and I keep turning it over in my mind. I'm not going to hang myself or anything like that. I'm just going to restrict more until I fade. Slowly vanish from the background of peoples' lives.
I met up with Satnav on Saturday, as planned. I helped him move into his new house, and then we went to Subway for tea. Once we were there, we got talking about my 'issues'; I felt vulnerable to be talking about things like that so frankly, and almost ashamed that I was admitting to someone else that my problems were getting worse. Ashamed? Is that the word? I think 'helpless' is a better word. Afterwards, we bought alcohol to pre-drink before a party. Somehow, we drank almost a whole bottle of Schnapps and two very strong cocktails each. I mean, talking and flirting (we've decided we have 'chemistry') was fun, but I definitely ended up more drunk than I planned.
We got to the party at half past eight. I bounced in, said hello to everyone, and then promptly passed out on the sofa. I was woken up an hour and a half later by someone throwing up on me - it later turned out I'd thrown up, but I was very confused and scared by the whole affair. And I was so cold. This is something that's developed recently - I'm cold all the time. Josh gave me his jumper and Dan's jacket, and all I could do was cry because of how upset, and shocked, and absolutely freezing I was. Dan took me outside, where I threw up again, and then told him I was frightened. I told him about everything; not wanting to lose weight, not wanting to gain weight, not wanting to go to a doctor. I told him I didn't think he cared. He was surprised by this, promised me he did care, but just didn't know what to do. Then I said I couldn't get a diagnosis because I didn't want him to feel like my carer. He burst into tears at this and said he already did, occasionally; 'you can't go through someone's suicidal thoughts like that and not have your relationship change'. He said he'd help me with eating and stuff, but he hasn't done a thing. I'm secretly a little pleased he hasn't done anything - I don't want to be interfered with.
We came back on Sunday. Last night, I couldn't sleep (my depression has come back again). I got angrier and more and more tired, and eventually just started crying. I guess I had a bit of an epiphany, though I'm not sure if 'epiphany' is the right word. I guess I just realised what I've suspected all these years; I'm an inconvenience. I just whirl into peoples' lives with my problems and then disappear when they get worse. When I get worse. I can't deal with being that sort of person, and it's made me feel how I felt last summer. I guess it's like HyperboleAndAHalf - I don't want to die, I just want to stop being alive.
I must have cried for over an hour - I tried to be quiet, but Dan woke up anyway and held me until I finally fell asleep. I've only had about five hours of sleep, which is fucking annoying because today is my day off. I cried again after we got out of bed this morning and promptly got back into it, and then again this afternoon after I just got so tired and angry. We had some very rough sex* earlier, which helped a little, but has also made me more tired. He accidentally came on my vagina, but my period didn't come this month, so I don't think I could possibly be pregnant anyway. The fact that it didn't come scared me a little, but pleased me more.
I'm restricting more since Dan and I got back from Norwich. I feel vulnerable, now that people know my secret. But last night really hit me, and I keep turning it over in my mind. I'm not going to hang myself or anything like that. I'm just going to restrict more until I fade. Slowly vanish from the background of peoples' lives.
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