I don't know what it is - whether it's just me acting up, or if there's something wrong, or if I'm depressed, or if I'm just tired.
But I'm scared. I'm scared of losing Dan - but, at the same time, I just don't know if he's right for me. At all. I mean, he's sweet, affectionate, patient, and he absolutely adores me. But, right now, I don't know what I feel for him, because he's an idiot as well - irrational, stubborn, irritating, and sometimes just seems to be unfeeling and cold. I can't think what the right word is for there - when people say things without thinking, or just don't take into account the other person's reaction. Headstrong? That's not right.
I think I love him. Well, I know I love him - I just don't know if I'm IN love with him right now. Maybe it's just the stress of next year; I have to find a job and just sort out what the fuck I'm going to do, and then I've got to decide which universities I'm going to apply to.
But what's brought all this on? Weeks of insecurity, finally brought to a head tonight. I want to apply to Warwick, and I told Dan, and he just said 'well, you can move to Warwick, but I'm not'. He doesn't seem to understand that I've had to change so many of my plans to accommodate him, and that I've already limited the places I'm applying to next year so that he can do things in the same places - hence why I'm staying in the country, but out of London etc. - and then he didn't even apologise afterwards. I was pissed with him, and I think he realised, because we only skyped for twenty five minutes, even though we haven't spoken for the past two days.
Update: he just messaged me to say sorry.
I just don't know what I CAN do next year. I don't have any qualifications to get a decent job, and it's not like I'm likely to get on a Drama course anyway. Dad's been suggesting all these jobs that I could do, like working as a language assistant in Switzerland, or becoming an air hostess. I would love to do something that involves travelling, but, having to take Dan into account...
I just don't know how I feel right now. I'm so lost and all I want is Dan - but, at the same time, I want to never have to speak to him again.
But I'm scared. I'm scared of losing Dan - but, at the same time, I just don't know if he's right for me. At all. I mean, he's sweet, affectionate, patient, and he absolutely adores me. But, right now, I don't know what I feel for him, because he's an idiot as well - irrational, stubborn, irritating, and sometimes just seems to be unfeeling and cold. I can't think what the right word is for there - when people say things without thinking, or just don't take into account the other person's reaction. Headstrong? That's not right.
I think I love him. Well, I know I love him - I just don't know if I'm IN love with him right now. Maybe it's just the stress of next year; I have to find a job and just sort out what the fuck I'm going to do, and then I've got to decide which universities I'm going to apply to.
But what's brought all this on? Weeks of insecurity, finally brought to a head tonight. I want to apply to Warwick, and I told Dan, and he just said 'well, you can move to Warwick, but I'm not'. He doesn't seem to understand that I've had to change so many of my plans to accommodate him, and that I've already limited the places I'm applying to next year so that he can do things in the same places - hence why I'm staying in the country, but out of London etc. - and then he didn't even apologise afterwards. I was pissed with him, and I think he realised, because we only skyped for twenty five minutes, even though we haven't spoken for the past two days.
Update: he just messaged me to say sorry.
I just don't know what I CAN do next year. I don't have any qualifications to get a decent job, and it's not like I'm likely to get on a Drama course anyway. Dad's been suggesting all these jobs that I could do, like working as a language assistant in Switzerland, or becoming an air hostess. I would love to do something that involves travelling, but, having to take Dan into account...
I just don't know how I feel right now. I'm so lost and all I want is Dan - but, at the same time, I want to never have to speak to him again.
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