I'm really mad with Dan.
On Friday, I did my concert (and it went FANTASTICALLY - but that's mostly because Simon fooled me into thinking I'd taken a beta blocker which was hilarious) and then, as usual, the whole choir went to the pub together after. I stayed with everyone until half twelve, and then Mark, a bass and I went to Black Dog Ballroom for more drinking. Mark walked me home that night.
He guessed I've been miserable recently and asked if I was ok. And, being so insanely drunk as I was, I told him EVERYTHING.
He was really sweet about it. He took me to McDonalds to make sure I ate something and held my hand on the way home and put his arm around me and it just felt like I had a really nice older brother. When we got back to mine, he came in for a cup of coffee and we talked for another hour or so, and I almost cried on him. He just comforted me and got me to talk and suggested I get help and was just really really helpful. I felt much better when I woke up; I got dressed and left the house and laughed on Skype to Dan and even did some needlework.
And then I texted Dan on Sunday to ask how he was. And he replied:
To be honest, today I'm angry with you. If you'd pushed me away any further I might not still be here xxx
Wait, what did I do now? xxx
I'm talking about last week xxx
I've told you I'm sorry. It's not like I've been doing it deliberately xxx
What am I supposed to do with that? An apology is meaningless without a commitment to change xxx
How am I meant to change this? It's not something I can just switch on or off when I want to. I'm going to do something about it and see if I can get some help, but that's everything I can do right now xxx
Then that's all I need. I don't expect miracles from you, but I need you, you know? I don't do well without you xxx
I don't want to push you away, I really don't, but I've just been scared I'm going to upset you or worry you or just scare you if I tell you anything recently. I'm sorry for being difficult xxx
There's been a voice in my head this week that would have me rip all this up just out of spite. You don't have a monopoly on self-destruction. Talking has to be a hell of a lot better than that xxx
For fuck's sake, I KNOW xxx
At this point, I burst into tears and rang Cecily to see what time she was going back to Norwich on Monday, and then rang Mum to see if she'd mind me coming home for a few days. I just needed to get out of Manchester and calm down. I cried on the phone to her and she said of course it was ok, and that they'd pay for my train ticket back to Manchester. I didn't go to evensong - I couldn't face it - and instead packed quickly and spent the night at Cecily's. Dan texted me again that evening.
I'm sorry. I'm trying to make sense of everything. I realise my timing is bad, and I'm being self centered, and I'm coming off as critical and I don't mean to be any of these things. I could have said nothing until Wednesday and we'd have lain in bed until late at night and talked, and everything would have been fine. But we spend most of our time apart, and we need to be able to talk about the serious stuff and not upset one another. Otherwise there'll come a point when we are together and we won't be able to talk anymore. It's happened to me before and I don't want to lose you that way xxx
You're right, it is awful timing. I do want to be able to talk about the serious stuff and I am trying to, it's just something I'm really not good at. I am trying though. I don't want to lose you because of this either xxx
You know me, I need things out in the open - no matter the consequences. Surely our first date would have taught you that? I probably should have let things get back to normal, but today I couldn't. I was angry. And now I'm not. And we're going to be fine, because next time we'll do better xxx
I know xxx
My general reaction to all of this is just 'YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND'. I'm trying not to cause more friction by arguing and getting angry, and I just can't be bothered to fight back right now, but he does not understand any of what I'm going through AT ALL. All I want to do is get angry and shout and tell him to leave me alone, and then to explain things when I've calmed down, and then to just curl up on my bed and cry.
I'm at home, and I'm glad to be here. Everyone's here at the moment, and I can take my usual place as the youngest-but-not and just relax and calm down and get away from everything else.
God knows how Wednesday's going to pan out, though. Dan hasn't texted me all day - I mean, I don't think I want him to, but it would be nice to know if we're talking or not.
On Friday, I did my concert (and it went FANTASTICALLY - but that's mostly because Simon fooled me into thinking I'd taken a beta blocker which was hilarious) and then, as usual, the whole choir went to the pub together after. I stayed with everyone until half twelve, and then Mark, a bass and I went to Black Dog Ballroom for more drinking. Mark walked me home that night.
He guessed I've been miserable recently and asked if I was ok. And, being so insanely drunk as I was, I told him EVERYTHING.
He was really sweet about it. He took me to McDonalds to make sure I ate something and held my hand on the way home and put his arm around me and it just felt like I had a really nice older brother. When we got back to mine, he came in for a cup of coffee and we talked for another hour or so, and I almost cried on him. He just comforted me and got me to talk and suggested I get help and was just really really helpful. I felt much better when I woke up; I got dressed and left the house and laughed on Skype to Dan and even did some needlework.
And then I texted Dan on Sunday to ask how he was. And he replied:
To be honest, today I'm angry with you. If you'd pushed me away any further I might not still be here xxx
Wait, what did I do now? xxx
I'm talking about last week xxx
I've told you I'm sorry. It's not like I've been doing it deliberately xxx
What am I supposed to do with that? An apology is meaningless without a commitment to change xxx
How am I meant to change this? It's not something I can just switch on or off when I want to. I'm going to do something about it and see if I can get some help, but that's everything I can do right now xxx
Then that's all I need. I don't expect miracles from you, but I need you, you know? I don't do well without you xxx
I don't want to push you away, I really don't, but I've just been scared I'm going to upset you or worry you or just scare you if I tell you anything recently. I'm sorry for being difficult xxx
There's been a voice in my head this week that would have me rip all this up just out of spite. You don't have a monopoly on self-destruction. Talking has to be a hell of a lot better than that xxx
For fuck's sake, I KNOW xxx
At this point, I burst into tears and rang Cecily to see what time she was going back to Norwich on Monday, and then rang Mum to see if she'd mind me coming home for a few days. I just needed to get out of Manchester and calm down. I cried on the phone to her and she said of course it was ok, and that they'd pay for my train ticket back to Manchester. I didn't go to evensong - I couldn't face it - and instead packed quickly and spent the night at Cecily's. Dan texted me again that evening.
I'm sorry. I'm trying to make sense of everything. I realise my timing is bad, and I'm being self centered, and I'm coming off as critical and I don't mean to be any of these things. I could have said nothing until Wednesday and we'd have lain in bed until late at night and talked, and everything would have been fine. But we spend most of our time apart, and we need to be able to talk about the serious stuff and not upset one another. Otherwise there'll come a point when we are together and we won't be able to talk anymore. It's happened to me before and I don't want to lose you that way xxx
You're right, it is awful timing. I do want to be able to talk about the serious stuff and I am trying to, it's just something I'm really not good at. I am trying though. I don't want to lose you because of this either xxx
You know me, I need things out in the open - no matter the consequences. Surely our first date would have taught you that? I probably should have let things get back to normal, but today I couldn't. I was angry. And now I'm not. And we're going to be fine, because next time we'll do better xxx
I know xxx
My general reaction to all of this is just 'YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND'. I'm trying not to cause more friction by arguing and getting angry, and I just can't be bothered to fight back right now, but he does not understand any of what I'm going through AT ALL. All I want to do is get angry and shout and tell him to leave me alone, and then to explain things when I've calmed down, and then to just curl up on my bed and cry.
I'm at home, and I'm glad to be here. Everyone's here at the moment, and I can take my usual place as the youngest-but-not and just relax and calm down and get away from everything else.
God knows how Wednesday's going to pan out, though. Dan hasn't texted me all day - I mean, I don't think I want him to, but it would be nice to know if we're talking or not.
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